Friday, August 31, 2007

REMIX: Friday Night Lights vs. 300

It almost seems too logical. Not always synched up perfectly, but it's hard to not get hyped up by the hits on the football field going along with that Nine Inch Nails soundtrack. Modern day gladiators indeed. Thank God football season is almost upon us.

I'm Not Normally A Praying Man But If You're Up There...

Damn you for making me say what I'm about to say.

There is no god. How do I know? Two words: Faith Hill.

It wasn't enough that ABC/ESPN polluted the airwaves like Beijing with Pink and the Black Eyed Peas. Apparently NBC felt left out and decided to one-up ABC/ESPN by having Faith Hill sing the theme for Sunday Night Football this season.

This is some bullshit I would expect from Disney but not from NBC. They have a proud past when it comes to sporting theme songs which culminated with the brilliant Roundball Rock.



John Tesh must be rolling in his grave.

This is just another example of the demise of professional sports in America. Domestic violence, dogfighting and making it rain be damned. Let's not even bring up Ryan Seacrest's involvement with this season's Super Bowl.

What's next? Paula Cole? Celine Dion? Jewel? Do these assclowns realize it's football? How's a theme song sung by Faith Hill going to make me ready for some football?
Hill, who's sold 30 million records worldwide with hits including "This Kiss," "Breathe" and "Mississippi Girl," has already recorded the theme songs in New York, altering the lyrics a bit with each one to include the teams playing that week. She shot an accompanying video for the show in Los Angeles.
Think of any lyrics you can plug into those songs that will get you hype like the themes to the NBA on NBC, Fox NFL Sunday and even Hockey Night in Canada? If you do, you're not only wrong. You're a jackass. And what's up with forcing country music down our throats as though we're getting our foie gras on like ducks. I'm not saying there's no place for it but it's as though the networks think people who like country are the only ones who watch football.

Another stupid idea. It seems as though GE has no more interest in bringing good things to life. Only sucking the life out of the few things I still love.

Ladies, Don Cherry Has Something To Say To You

I think Don says it best himself:
"WHEN YOU COME TO THE GAMES...KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PUCK! I'M TELLIN YA I'VE SEEN SOME AWFUL SMACKS, AND ITS ALWAYS A WOMAN, YAPPIN AWAY THERE! LOOK AT THE GAMES!"



From Sean.Keener.com

The Pussification Of America



How often do we hear that the youth of America are lazy and surly like Teamsters? What do we expect when we treat the geniuses like Burmese political prisoners? How long will we continue to stifle ingenuity?

Hillard Davidson High senior Kyle Garchar pulled off a brilliant stunt and was suspended for his efforts. He tricked over 800 fans of an opposing high school to hold up pieces of paper that spelled out "We Suck" during a football game between Hillard Davidson and Hillard Darby High Schools.
Garchar ... said he spent about 20 hours over three days plotting the trick ... Garchar, 17, first went to Crew Stadium to take a picture of the seats. Then he created a grid to plan how the message would be spelled out once fans in three sections held up either a black or white piece of construction paper. Directions left on stadium seats instructed fans to check that the number listed on their papers matched their seat numbers. Darby supporters were told the message would read "Go Darby."
Davidson principal John Bandow didn't find the prank amusing and suspended him and two accomplices as well as banned them from participating in school activities for a month.

I'm surprised Bandow didn't stop the game and declare both teams winners. Mercy rules, suspensions for great pranks, etc. We're slowly turning into surrender monkeys. Free the Kyle Garchar 3!

Picture Of The Day

"You're right! It does feel like lukewarm paella!"

Laron + Taylor = AREA 51

I am so psyched about the Redskins new safety tandem of #21 Sean Taylor and #30 LaRon Landry, I had to make a t-shirt about 'em. Check it out at our t-shirt store by visiting the link on the sidebar or click the picture. Got a couple color variations on this design there...it's is by no means original, just my take on the burgeoning nickname for the dynamic duo. GO SKINS!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Wear Your Fandom On Your Sleeves

For those sports fans who have a couple hundred dollars to spend on something as trivial as a pair of cufflinks, there is now a cufflink for you. You can now buy cufflinks that are actually made from old wooden seats discarded from old stadiums. Red Envelope is selling cufflinks made from seats at RFK, Yankee Stadium, Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Dodger Stadium or Busch Stadium.

Christ...the first asshat that purchases this and shows them off around me gets a swift punch to their gut. Why not keep the seat intact and sell those off? I guess you couldnt get nearly enough value for the seat as a whole than if you broke it up into tiny chunks and stuck pins on it. I mean, a seat now can probably be broken up into a couple hundred chunks and sold as this crap while netting like around $40,000 total a freaking seat! There's a sucker born every minute folks...don't be that guy.

From Uncrate

Why Do People Not Want Their Teeth???


If you remember the very painful faceplant video we debuted here on the Deuce, then really, you should really wonder why someone else would want to do such a thing. I never thought I'd ever see this done again. WHY DO PEOPLE NOT WANT THEIR TEETH?


1,2,3 brutaal faceplant - Watch more free videos

The Constitutional Vol. 17

Time again for the not so regular link dump. We're not very good at keeping schedules, so enjoy what those who can blog much more often than we can have to offer...Welcome to the Constitutional.
  • Injury Rate wants to win a basketball court as bad as Miss South Carolina did the Miss Teen USA. 100% Injury Rate

  • Controversy with the AFL and local news media gets better and better. With Malice...

  • Devin Hester hurts himself doing something he has no idea how to do. FAIL! Shakedown Sports

  • Serena Williams thinks people care about her...titles. YOU BEEN BLINDED

  • DoD finds the best team names in Independent League sports. Doberman on the Diamond

  • Liston writes one of the most creative blog posts about the Little League World Series Ever. (If I wasnt so lazy, I would've devoted a Constitutional just to this). Introducing Liston

  • Yankees Stadium Gestapo is a little over-zealous. Strike Zones and End Zones

  • Classic Redskins superfan Chief Zee interview. Nice find guys. Riggo's Rag

  • Hippies in Berkley? Noooo??? Strangely, they appear to be winning? Signal To Noise

  • Jason Campbell will be hurt all season...dammit. Mr. Irrelevant

  • Tucker Carlson sucks...anything and everything. Not that it matters. Can't Stop The Bleeding

Archuleta's Girlfriend Not As Lucky As He Is

I thought that Adam Archuleta was a lucky man for getting paid over 6 million dollars for riding the pine for half a season with the Redskins last year. Turns out I was only partly right. He is not only rich from doing absolutely nothing to earn that money but he is also dating former Playmate model Jennifer Walcott (VERY NSFW LINK FOR MORE PICS) pictured here.

Unfortunately for Walcott, her life is not all strawberries and cream (you'll know what i'm talking about if you click that link) like Adam's. She's being cyberstalked, possibly 20 year old Aurora, Illinois man Edson Diaz.
Aurora Police Lt. Brian Olsen said Diaz e-mailed Walcott through a link on her MySpace page [note: more awesome pics on there too, kinda SFW] The e-mails were traced to his home computer, said Olsen, who added that Diaz had threatened to attack Walcott but did not give a motive.

"He's just being verbally abusive and threatening her with bodily harm," Olsen said.

That is a damn shame really, a beauty like Walcott shouldn't have to deal with threats of physical violence...that really should be saved for her crap ass football player boyfriend who plays safety but cannot cover a leftover rump roast with reynolds wrap. Some guys have all the luck I guess, too bad it isn't helping out his girl any.

If you want to read a bit of the stalker's actual emails, go over to the always newsbreaking SportsByBrooks. He totally beat us to this...I hate having to work during the day...total "Hat Tip" to you dude.

From Chicago Sports.com and Sports By Brooks

This Little Girl Is Tough As Nails

When monsters arrive in your bedroom at night, take the advice of this little girl...and just kick their askth! Seriously, her logic is quite sound, she makes more sense then the majority of the people I talk to every day. Don't you wish more kids were like her and not the pansies they usually are...

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yeah Here Comes The Donkey


It's somewhat appropriate that Tim Couch would have spent his "glory" days playing for a team whose uniform reminds one of shit. Far be it from us to ever disparage most things reminiscent of the deuce. After all, we are named after one of the most infamous (more than famous) deuces in recent history, possibly in all written history. According to my college philosophy professor, written history is the only history that matters. It seems only right that the story of Tim Couch conforms with my professor's flap-doodle.

After flaming out of professional football like the Challenger due to injuries and all-around suck, Couch attempted a comeback this summer with the Jacksonville Jaguars. One would think he would have had a good chance of making the team considering that the other two QBs ahead of him were a gimp and a Crohn's Disease sufferer. Not so fast, my friend. The first pick of the 1999 NFL Draft was cut on August 18th. Somewhere, Akili Smith smiled.

Yahoo Sports obtained documents showing that Couch used anabolic steroids and HGH during his most recent comeback. He told Yahoo that "he briefly took HGH – which is banned by the NFL – in hopes the drug would help him recover from shoulder surgery. But he denied using steroids or any other banned drugs and said he never had seen the documents".

Too bad HGH doesn't cure suck or stupid. Couch took HGH and possibly steroids and still sucked. Let this be a lesson to all you Barry Bonds haters. Sorry, I digress. Let's assume the documents are telling the truth. If he had made the team (yeah I know - just for shits and giggles), he would have been subject to drug testing and could have tested positive. A positive test would have meant a suspension. He does say he passed a drug test when he signed with the Jags on July 29th.

He admitted to Yahoo that at the least he used HGH.
"The bottom line is I was not in the NFL during any of the period of time (when the regimens called for the use of steroids), so that also makes me feel like, what's the story?" Couch said. "… I don't know where this stuff comes from. I don't know where you got any of this."
Excuse me, dumbass? Did he retain Lance Briggs as his lawyer? The NFL might see it a bit differently.
If Couch rejoins the NFL, he could face disciplinary action based on information from league spokesman Greg Aiello. A free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy, according to Aiello, who in an email wrote that a player "will be subject to discipline if we have sufficient proof that he used a banned substance without an acceptable medical justification. Merely being prescribed it by a doctor is not enough."

Concerned about the possible sanctions, Couch said, "I'm not saying I did it, but what if I did do it? What happens then? … What does this mean for me?"
He must have a dream team of Briggs, Pacman Jones and Odell Thurman.

He's probably done so the issue may be moot. However, it's not a complete loss. That increased arm strength should help him as he pumps Blizzards at a Kentucky Dairy Queen. Hopefully they don't have a drug testing program. If you've been to a Dairy Queen, you know it's a pretty safe bet that they have nothing close to drug testing.

The Height Of Douchebaggery


There's no way the Los Angeles Kings won't win the Stanley Cup this upcoming season. This has to be one of the strongest first lines ever put together since LFO.

We In Here Talkin' Bout Crack

We talkin' bout crack! We not even talkin' bout powder. How the hell can I make my customers better by sellin' to them? Crack! Crack! What you know bout crack?

You may not know 'bout crack yet but Allen Iverson's stepdad can fill you in. Michael Andre Freeman was indicted on federal drug distribution charges which include possession with intent to distribute. Crack was found in Freeman's car after a routine traffic stop in April.

It's one piece of good news after the other in Newport News. First Ron Mexico finds Jebus and now this. Freeman should have asked Marion Barry for advice on how to beat the rap. Mayor for Life don't play when it comes to freedom.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

This Chick is the Toughest Woman Alive

The Smooth Sounds Of Thunderlips

Ray McDonald Did Not Peak In High School

There was a time when Barry Bonds played second fiddle to someone on his team. No, we're not talking about the shadow of a player Bonds is now, we're talking in 1982 to be specific. That was when Barry Bonds and Ray McDonald were both seniors playing baseball for the Serra High School in San Mateo, California and Bonds hit .450 while McDonald hit .490 and McDonald will be happy to tell you all about it.

The great thing is, that former Girls Softball Coach of the Year and Toronto Blue Jay farmhand, Ray McDonald doesn't hold onto the past that much. Well, ok, he does carry the official 1982 West Catholic Athletic League statistics sheet that says he hit better than Bonds that season in his pocket at every Giants game he attends...and he uses it as proof to win bets against people in the stands so that he can drink free beer...but really, he's quite past that.
“You’d sit out in the bleachers [and] you’d bet the guy next to you a beer or something that you outhit [Bonds] in high school,” McDonald said with a laugh. “And of course it was always ‘No way!’ you know? But then you’d show him the card ... and you’d have a good night"

No, Ray McDonald did not peak in high school, he might just be peaking right now...or maybe his son is.


From Washington Examiner
Photo from Jason Steinberg/Special to The Examiner

Monday, August 27, 2007

5 Reasons The NFL Doesn't Care About You, The Fan


1) Sunday Ticket
The NFL Sunday Ticket allows viewers to pay $269 dollars a year to watch any and every game played all season, along with a few other bonus channels of coverage. A wonderful package with a catch, you need to be able to subscribe to the satellite cable service Direct TV to use it. Problem is, millions of fans cannot subscribe to Direct TV because they do not own their own homes, dont have a clear view of the south western sky or have some other obstruction preventing them from having a dish on their residence. In fact, only there are only 16 million Direct TV subscribers, a far cry from the amount of people with cable television. The NFL could allow cable companies to have this package as well, but instead has extended their exclusive contract with direct tv until 2010 for around $700 million. All of this leaves us fans who cannot get a dish and/or are unwilling to subscribe to satellite television out in the cold...or at our local sports bar.

2) NFL Network
The NFL Network was started in 2003 as a cable channel run by the NFL giving fans 24-7 NFL coverage. Starting in 2006, live football games starting being broadcast on the channel. These games would have otherwise been broadcast on free television or basic cable, but now is part of the NFL Network which is not always available to fans. Fans with Time Warner Cable do not have this channel on their lineup because the NFL wanted it to be placed on their basic cable tier and were charging $0.70 a subscriber for it. TWC wanted it on their sports tier and hasn't placed it on any tier yet. Comcast Cable used to have the NFL Network on their extended tier, but now has moved it to their sports tier and they are charging an additional $5 - 7.95 a month for the right to watch NFL games. Both cable companies are still steaming from not having the NFL Sunday ticket and are using the NFL Network as punishment and leverage for the next bidding war for the right to the NFL Sunday Ticket. In the end...the fans cannot watch games they used to be able to watch and no one in the NFL cares.

3) Online Video Content
The NBA has it's own YouTube channel, MLB broadcasts every game online for a fee, NHL broadcasts every game to Comcast subscribers and will allow Slingbox users to share clips online...and the NFL? The NFL now restricts online footage of it's events to 45 seconds A DAY. Total. Those 45 seconds also must be erased from the internet after 24 hours. No game footage will be allowed on any other website besides NFL.com. If you wish to stream live games online, you must be a DirecTV subscriber with an additional $99 ($368 for the total package) to spare. Essentially, the NFL does not want you, the average Joe Sportsfan, to watch anything related to the NFL online anywhere.

4) Pre-season games
Pre-season games are exhibition games. If a fan is lucky, that fan might get to see the starting rosters for his/her favorite team for about two quarters of a four quarter game. The game in itself is meaningless, just a barometer of how practice is going and a try-out session for players hoping to latch on to the team before final roster cuts. The price for the fan to go see these games? Full regular season ticket price. You see half as much legitimate NFL action for full price. The tickets are the full price, the food is the full price, the beer is the full price, it is, for all intents and purposes, a regular season game for the fan...except you spend half the game watching players who will never play in the regular season for an NFL team. Just another way for the NFL to milk even more money from their fans.

5) Blackouts
The NFL denies fans who live in a 75 mile radius of an NFL stadium the ability to watch a live home game on television if that game is not sold out 72 hours before the start of the game. The NFL says this is because fans of winning teams go to games and fans of losing teams don't and they want people to go to their games. This does not take into consideration fans who cannot get to the games that want to follow their home team. Think some 10 year old kid or an 85 year old grandma on welfare would like to go to the game but can't and would still like to watch the game? Its not their fault they don't have the ability to purchase a ticket or drive to the game, but the NFL will still prevent them, as punishment for not purchasing their tickets. The NFL hates the elderly and young alike.

Do you have any other reasons?

Afghans Don't Appreciate Blasphemous Teabag


You try to do something nice and it gets thrown back in your face. You haven't tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.

People filled the streets in southeastern Afghanistan to protest against the US. What's new you ask. This time, the US insulted Islam. At this point, I don't know what isn't an insult to Islam. Maybe I'll have NOIS enlighten me over some bean pies.

The US decided to do something nice for Afghan kids so they dropped soccer balls from a helicopter over the Khost province. Problem was the balls had the name of Allah on them. Specifically they showed the Saudi Arabian flag which features the shahada or Koranic declaration of faith. The shahada includes the name of Allah.

This seems pretty basic. As an Afghan MP put it, "To have a verse of the Koran on something you kick with your foot would be an insult in any Muslim country around the world." It's almost like we're trying to create enemies. Wait until the next airdrop includes g-strings and banana hammocks with the same design.

Guess Who's Backin' That Ass Up

Mark Cuban loves him some kamikazes like fat kids love cake.

Mark Cuban wants you ladies to drop it like it's hot cause the dick bandit will done landed on September 24th.

SI.com reports that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be a contestant on the 5th season of Dancing With The Stars. He'll be competing with other A-listers such as Jennie Garth (Kelly Taylor from 90210), Scary Spice (Spice Girls/Eddie Murphy's golddigger), Sabrina Bryan (The Cheetah Girls - whatever the fuck that is) and Wayne Newton (plastic surgery poster boy).

There was a rumor that Dirk Nowitzki was being considered for the show before Cuban until comments about potential rival Wayne Newton were made public.
"I got to take what he gives me and he doesn't really give me a lot ... So I've got to make other stuff happen ... help out on dips more; hit the ass harder, as hard as I can, get some extra points; if I have a shot to make a move, try to knock it out and if I don't, move my partner and let someone else have a shot."
Needless to say judge Carrie Ann Inaba was not pleased and suggested adding Cuban to the show instead.
"I'm tired of hearing about how Wayne's going to take him out of his game and any lack of confidence. You're just not supposed to have that, all right ... I wasn't the best of dancers and didn't have the best of skills, but you were not going to shake my confidence. We need all of our dancers to be confident, to be resilient, to be persistent and that's what I want to see. If I don't see it during warmups, I'm going to be highly upset ... because I need to have it going into that first show on September 24th. They've got to be confident and really sure about what they're doing."
No worries about that with Mark Cuban as one can see in the picture above. He always brings his A-game. I can't wait until he breaks out the butterfly like his idol Patra and blows the competition away.

This never gets old (warning - uncensored version so you might want to turn it down at work)



Friday, August 24, 2007

MLB Supports Gangs

Major League Baseball is actually licensing New Era ballcaps that feature not just gang colors but reproduces gang symbols as well! The hat above features colors and patterns used by the Bloods gang, but there are others that use colors and symbols for the Crips (blue and gray) and for the Latin Kings (a gold crown).

MyfoxNY reported on some outrage and protests on the hats after the jump:
"Companies involved should not profit from the promotion of gang affiliation, which leads only to gang violence," the activists, who call themselves the Coalition to Protect Our Children, said in a statement. The coalition is concerned that unsuspecting kids could buy one of the hats, wear it in the wrong turf and then be targeted for attack.

The group marched in East Harlem Thursday and pressured local shops to pull the caps from their shelves. One store operator agreed to do so.

I went on New Era's website to try to find these hats and I couldn't. I wonder if they've been taken off the site already? The Deuce applauds Major League Baseball however, talk about a shrewd marketing move to actually attempt to go for a market that hasn't been exploited since the early 90s with the black and white White Sox, Kings and Raiders apparel. Gangsta rap might not be popular anymore, but real muthafukkin G's still live on. HOLLA BUD SELIG!

eXtreme Sports Get Dumber and Weirder

The wonderful thing about Extreme Sports is that you are only limited by your imagination...and these guys are either some of the most creative people you've ever met or the dumbest. Its Underwater Ice Hockey. Don't confuse this with the pansy-ass game played in on the bottom of a pool while hitting a puck with a tiny stick, this is a game of hockey played not on top of a frozen body of water, no that would be too easy, it is played on the ice UNDER the frozen body of water.

In February 2007, Austria, the Czech Republic, Finland, Germany, the Netherlands, Poland, Slovakia and Slovenia even played for the 2007 Underwater Ice Hockey Championship, with Finland beating Austria 7 to 4 for the title of World Champion. Here's a video (not in English) of how its set up and how people actually play this insane "sport".

Fantasy Football Domination: Statistics Say RB's Are Overrated

The Deuce has tried to stay away from offering up fantasy football advice to the masses...mostly because we do not want to help out or tip our hand to our fellow fantasy leaguers we're drafting against. In this case, we must share. University of Cincinnati professor Michael Fry (in the center of the picture) along with his students have studied and analyzed fantasy football drafts so much, they wrote a paper on it that was published in the Journal of Quantitative Analysis in Sports. What they found might change the way you look at the draft forever.

Fry Says:
1. A traditional maxim in fantasy football is to draft two running backs in the first two rounds because RBs are seen as being the most valuable. However, this year our model generally recommends against this strategy. There are only a few (really two) sure-fire RBs and then a deep crop of 2nd-tier RBs. Thus, our model often recommends taking a RB first, then taking a top QB or WR next and coming back for your 2nd RB later.

2. It can often be a good decision to draft one of the top defenses (generally the Chicago Bears or Baltimore Ravens) earlier than most people would suggest. If you miss out on these top defenses, then you might as well wait until the very end of the draft as there is too much uncertainty in how other defenses will perform. The same is often true for kickers.

3. But the main point is that if you feed garbage into the model, you get garbage out. If you are convinced, for whatever misguided reason, that the Cleveland Browns QB (whoever that turns out to be) is going to be a star and you rank him first, then guess what, the model is going to tell you to draft him very high.

So there you have it, don't do what everyone else is doing by drafing all RBs...go against the grain and get your top QB and WR picking up your 2nd RB later. Then, shoot for a defense earlier than everyone else and lock down one of the top two. Seems so easy doesn't it? You only have yourself to blame now if you lose you dumb bastards.

The best line I've saved for last. Fry goes on:

“It amounts to this: you have a set of choices that people can make. They all want the best player available and sometimes people just go for that player, regardless of what they really need. All you really want to know — in fantasy and in real drafts — is what set of players is not going to be available when your turn comes up.”
That is some deep shit right there. My pants are getting tight from the excitement. Sunday, I am dominating my draft. Mr. Fry could be a true American hero...unless I finish dead last again. Then I'm coming after this braniac bitch.

From Univ. of Cincinnati News


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Justin Timberlake...A Professional Hockey Player?

At least he's going to play one in the movies. Justin Timberlake has signed on with Mike Myers and Jessica Alba and Verne "Mini Me" Troyer to star in "The Love Guru" where Timberlake plays a hockey player that is dating the ex-wife of another teammate with Mike Myers there to fix the rift that this caused, allowing them to win the Stanley Cup. Here's the full synopsis for you from FirstShowing.net after the jump:

In the film, Pitka (Myers) is an American who was left at the gates of an ashram in India as a child and raised by gurus. He moves back to the US to seek fame and fortune in the world of self-help and spirituality. His unorthodox methods are put to the test when he must settle a rift between Toronto Maple Leafs star hockey player Darren Roanoke (Malco) and his estranged wife. After the split, Roanoke's wife starts dating LA Kings star Jacques Grande (Timberlake) out of revenge, sending her husband into a major professional skid — to the horror of the teams’ owner Jane Bullard (Alba) and Coach Cherkov (Troyer). Pitka must return the couple to marital nirvana and get Roanoke back on his game so the team can break the 40-year-old “Bullard Curse" and win the Stanley Cup.

Seems like a sure-fire winner to me. Ok, well not really. This cast blows, what is Mike Myers thinking? Has he made a good flick since the first Austin Powers? And what the hell is Justin Timberlake doing in an NHL uniform? There is no way that skinny bitch can even attempt to look like a professional hockey player. His bony ass would get checked into infinity. I'd love to see him play one game in the NHL just to see if its possible for a single check to break every bone in a human's body. I guess the NHL needs to do anything to get its name back out there...even if its attached to one sorry ass comedy...but hey, its got Ms. Herpes herself Jessica Alba, so it can't be that bad. Can it?

Its set to come out next summer, June 20th...mark your calendars.

From Firstshowing.net


Must Whore, Will Travel


Are you a money-grubbing, golddigging**, shallow chickenhead with chav tendencies? Do you like to follow your boyfriend/husband on business trips just so you can be seen and do some shopping on his dime? Do you like to starve yourself and think you can sing? Well we have the travel agency for you. Traveling Whores Ltd. will make sure you arrive in the country you can't find on a map and make sure you get back home with all your schwag.

Spurs/England striker Jermaine Defoe's fiancee Charlotte Meares has somehow been employed by the UK''s Commonwealth and Foreign Office to advise WAGs (Footballers' wives and Girlfriends) and wannabe WAGs about foreign travel.

Here are some of her money shot tips after the jump:
Charlotte’s Top Travel Tips:

Know Before You Go!

- It might sound trivial but you never know when you might break a nail or your extensions turn green in the pool. To stay looking your best even if you are not taking a personal stylist with you, get a number of good local beauticians or check if the hotel has one before you go!

- Other useful numbers to take with you are that of the local consul or embassy – it could be invaluable if you lose a passport, or if a bit of wild partying gets you into trouble with the local law! Also take the number and details of your insurance company – it will save you loads of time and hassle if your luggage full of designer gear goes missing at the airport!

Insure Those Choos:

- An absolute must is travel insurance - one tumble off a bar table in your Jimmy Choos without insurance could cost you £20,000 worth of shopping money on your hospital bill! And whether you’ve got five Louis Vuitton cases full of designer gear or a beaten up bag full of Primark, you’ll want to know that if anything gets lost or stolen you will be covered.

Go Native:

- If you research your destination in a guide book or on the web before you go, then you arrive knowing all the best places and where you should (and shouldn’t) be seen!

- Another WAG technique for looking cool and ‘in the know’ is to arrive at your destination wearing something the locals would but with a unique twist - think Henna’d hands in India.

- Check out Fco.gov.uk for travel advice and more information about your destination and you’ll also be able to find out about local laws and customs – you don’t want to get arrested in the Caribbean for wearing a camouflage bikini (camouflage clothing is illegal!) or get arrested in Florence for drinking too close to a church.

Come Fly With Me:

- Luggage restrictions are different all the time now and change from airport to airport and carrier to carrier – research what the requirements are and plan carefully what you are taking on the plane and what is going in the hold. (Frank Lampard’s fiancée Elen Rives delayed a flight because of a dispute over the amount of hand luggage she had!)

- Remember your ‘must-have’ cosmetics for the plane (eight hour cream, lip balm, serum etc) will have to go in a clear plastic bag through security now.

Get Your Jabs - and not just the botox!

- Check out medical requirements for your destination, as you may need vaccinations to protect you from prevalent diseases.

Copy That:

- I take all my documents in a stylish travel wallet so everything important is all in one place, but other tips include photocopying your passport, your credit card and insurance details in case you lose them.

Safety – Take No Chances:

- When you’re out partying and having fun, try and follow some of my safety tips:.

- It’s fun having a few drinks but watch out for any of your mates that are too drunk. Lots of girls end up in hospital after falling over and breaking something. The consequences could be even worse with guys taking advantage of women in that state.

- Try and stay in pairs or 3’s at the end of the night, even if your mate meets a hunk and yours looks like a skunk, stay together and say you’ve got a headache.

More Tips

- When I went away with the girls I was so excited, I tried to cram everything in the first day, make sure you don’t ruin the rest of your holiday by staying out in the sun too much or drinking excessively in the first day or two.
Brought to you by the British government with British citizen tax pounds. Feel the Mensa.

** What? You thought we were going with Kanye? Negro please.

January 13, 1990: The Day That Our Innocence Was Lost

This was the fateful Sunday when Bo Jackson's hip was forever destroyed, effectively ending both his stunning baseball and football careers while simultaneously setting in motion the demise of an entire decade. This moment was captured quite well by the guys at Team Tiger Awesome along with a whole bunch of 90s pop culture hell that somehow was caused by followed the injury. Bo ruined the 90s for us all...but at least he did leave us with some amazing Tecmo Bowl memories. (some NSFW language)

The Suck Heard Round The World


I've heard about dialing it in after getting a new contract or moving from temp to perm but this is ridiculous.

The Baltimore Orioles apparently decided that they've locked up 4th place so there's no need to try anymore. Earlier yesterday, manager Dave Trembley had the interim tag removed from his title in recognition of his good work after Sam Perlozzo's firing. Trembley must have celebrated by giving the team the night off. I can't think of any other reason why the Orioles would give up 30 fucking runs in one game to the Texas Rangers.

The last time this happened? The fucking 1800s to a team that no longer exists. Oh, the Orioles were up 3-0 so that makes 30 unanswered runs.

The beatdown was felt all over the world. Papers as far away as Australia reported on baseball's equivalent of Krakatoa.

Trembley probably felt as helpless as Rocky in Rocky IV when Drago killed Apollo. I know I haven't felt this good about the O's since 1988. Wild Bill Hagy would be proud.

Something magic happens, every time you go
You make the magic happen, the magic of Orioles’ Baseball!

When the game is close, and the O’s are hot
There’s a thundering roar from 34 to give it all they’ve got

And you never know who’s gonna hear the call
Every game there’s a different star
That’s the magic of Orioles’ Baseball!

Orioles Magic! Feel it happen!
Orioles Magic! Feel it happen!

O - R - I - O - L - E - S !

Magic! Magic! Magic! Magic!

More McGruff: McGruff Speaks Out On Vick

You know you're in trouble when McGruff is coming after you. This McGruff The Crime Dog PSA has been adapted to speak out against Michael Vick and his murderous ways. Kick him in the nuts! TITTIES!!!



UPDATE: Sons of Sam Malone posted this on the 9th...apparently we should read their blog more. WHO KNEW?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

This Just In

Nothing happened today.

Last night? Well let's see ... Knitting Factory, Riverboat Gamblers, Andrew WK, Reno, tall boys, The Big Hunt, wings, Strongbow, handlebar moustaches, midgets, donkey show.

The Deuce will return tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

There's A Little Donaghy In Everyone


Controversy exploded like a president on a prime minister's lap this past Sunday during the Liverpool-Chelsea match when Chelsea was awarded a penalty by referee Rob Styles for what later turned out to be a dive by Florent Malouda. Chelsea was able to equalize from the spot and go on to draw the match. Tubby Benitez was quite furious and Styles later apologized and was suspended.

The plot thickened when it was revealed the Styles is on the board of a construction company called Oakwood Groundworks Ltd. What's so odd about that? It turns out Oakwood did work on Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich's driveway last summer.


The referees association vouched for him and said that it was aware of the job and it saw no conflict of interest. However it would have been simple enough to schedule him for another game to take away the impression of a conflict.

Styles ran into controversy last year after a public spat with Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho after denying Chelsea penalties on several occasions. The row was resolved after Styles called Mourinho to apologize.

Nobody fucks with the Roman.

Terror Alert Level Raised To Metrosexual


Malcolm X was right. The chickens are coming home to roost. I have a gut feeling that the terror alert level will be raised to Metrosexual in the next day or two. That's fuchsia on the color scale for all you non-DHSheads.

Al-Qaeda and its sympathizers have had enough of footballers like David Beckham, Thierry Henry and Shrek (sorry, Wayne Rooney) prancing around the soccer field looking like hunky pieces of meat and playing dead sexy football.

A Scotland-based website and YouTube video condemns Muslims who admire and support celebrities and athletes and calls for their assassination. The News of the World (a reputable source like The Star or Media Takeout) reports that the site has pictures of the three footballers asking why Muslims support them.
A caption across the screen threatens: "Every soul shall taste death." Much of the soundtrack is a sermon given in London recently by a young militant cleric linked to radical Omar Bakri Mohammed, barred from Britain after praising the 7/7 bombings.

His rant declares that Muslims who are passionate about sport or music are hellbound like the "disbelievers" they admire. Other celebrities rubbished on the video include P Diddy and Justin Timberlake. It ends with the rousing message: "Rise up, oh youth!"
Now if the video just threatened P Diddy and footballers such as Robbie Savage, Craig Bellamy or Lee Bowyer, the threat level would stay the same and possibly drop to off-white.

We fight them over there so they don't come over here and now we bring one of their main targets here to show off like King Kong in New York? By the way we act, we even lost our minds.

It's clear what we have to do. Give them to the bad guys. Time to take one for the team. Maybe we could try to slip them Eli Manning while we're at it. "This one's on the house."

You Must Have The Wrong Address

This is definitely not Beat Street. That's about 3000 miles from here. You're in England where crap form extends off the pitch and into the kitchens and clubs.

First, we have terrible video of a plowed Wayne Rooney dancing to Michael Jackson.


vs.

David Bentley and David Dunn of Blackburn dancing to the Sugarhill Gang


Turbo vs. Ozone this ain't. It's so hard to decide which is worse. It's almost as hard as trying to decide who's better: Don Johnson or Philip Michael Thomas. It's awesome vs. phenomenal. Everyone's a winner. Winner winner chicken dinner indeed.

McGruff Throws Kid Aside To Win Race

McGruff the Crime Dog doesn't give a shit about your children. Watch as McGruff doesnt take a bite out of crime, but takes a bite out this kid's ass that he throws aside in an attempt to win a race...against a bunch of children. What kind of world do we live in?

MyFootballClub.com Close To Purchasing Soccer Team

Remember that website we discussed a couple weeks back, Myfootballclub.com? This was the site where you could pay 35 British pounds a year, or 72 American dollars, for a share in an English Football (soccer) club. Basically, you will be a part owner in a team, and be able to vote on all decisions in running the squad since everyone who owns the team will have an equal ownership share. You will be able to vote on "team selection and new signings to kit design and beer options in the club bar".

Well, they're close to actually achieving their goal. They've blown through the £500,000 mark for contributions and now are in the process of looking for a League Two or Conference level club to purchase. From the Independent:
More than 53,000 people declared an interest in MyFootballClub when the website went live on 26 April. Brooks is coy about how much he has raised so far, but he is thought to have amassed more than £500,000 already, only a fortnight after beginning the fundraising stage of his mission. In the first 24 hours, £250,000 was raised: if all 53,000 pay, he will have £1.4m with which to approach a club.

Amazing huh? This takes the American Idol model of the fans picking the winner to a whole new level! If the fans own the team, they can vote on whether or not controversial players would be signed, what food was available at the stadium, what beers are available, the team uniforms, the team name, its the ultimate fan experience...all for 72 bucks a year!

This has to happen at some point here in the states...although with the tight ownership controls in the NBA, NFL and MLB it is all but certain not to happen with those sports. One could hope that maybe the NHL or MLS would be receptive to this sort of fan interaction and ownership at some point but I'm betting this would only fly with minor league baseball teams at this point in America...which is a shame. We're the home of capitalism dammit, if a group of people have the money and someone is willing to sell to them, they should be able to do so freely without the other owners pulling the whole "best interest of the league" clause. I just want to see this happen.


From The Independent UK

Boy Catches Man


Be careful if you happen to be a grown man scuba diving in the North Sea, you might just be coming home with a boy. A 13 year old boy cast his fishing line out to sea and caught himself a scuba diver who was swimming close to the shore in the town of Zierikzee in the Netherlands.
"I heard a sound on my head and immediately I felt a jerk on my lip," said the diver, Wim van Huffelen.
The boy took the man home and instead eating him, they've bonded in ways you might never ever understand...ok, I made that last part up. I'm just going to stop now...that picture was frightening enough.

From Yahoo News

Monday, August 20, 2007

Its Harder Than It Looks

The guys on ESPN get a lot of flack for the job they do, but it really is a lot harder than it looks. Lets all take a look at Charlie in what appears to be his first time on camera for what I assume is a Colorado news station. What he lacks in broadcasting skills he certainly makes up for with PURE ENERGY!

UPDATE: Jimmy at SI.com's Extra Mustard has informed the masses that this is actually Charlie Minn, a guy who used to do a sports talk show in New York called Newsport Talk and briefly worked in the WWF. Thanks for the info & the link!

Theismann Will Eat Box

After being dumped from ESPN's Monday Night Football broadcast, Joe Theismann is back in DC broadcasting Redskins games and shilling Papa John's pizza while doing so...I think he and Mike Patrick need a little more practice on their live spots.

Here's the transcript in case the video gets taken down by Danny-boy.
Joe - "I'm not just gonna hold the box, I'm gonna sample it! That's what its here for!"
Mike - "Trust me, he'll not only eat the pizza, he'll munch on the box."
Joe - "Hey! Hey! Hey!"


Sharapova Might Be Hot But...

Apparently, she's not that good between the sheets. See, she and Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine were an item a little while ago, the relationship ended and he had this to say about Maria's lack of skills in bed:
"She wouldn't make any noise during sex," Levine said. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration.' It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."
Like a dead frog? Good God...say it ain't so Adam? With all the noise that comes out of her when she smacks the balls on the tennis court, it is really quite a surprise she couldn't muster the energy to do the same when the balls are smacking against her! Then again, one must consider the source. I'd like to think that Adam Levine's shrill of a voice is so damned annoying that she didn't want that ass to open his mouth at all, just do the deed and get it over with. I might actually have more respect for Maria just saying "Shut up and get it done, pretty boy". I still think the dream lives on.

From The eXile.com

Friday, August 17, 2007

Sports MMOG's: The Next Big Thing?


In the realm of the interactive sports experience there are many options a fan can choose to feel more immersed in a sport or league that they are not actually a part of. There are fantasy sports full of keeper leagues and auction based player selection, all of which allows a fan to "own" their team and guide it to victory in their leagues. The leagues themselves are fun and allow for a lot of social interaction between members with drafting, trading, smack talking, etc, taking place even when its the off-season.

In video games, you have team manager simulation software which allow you to play GM and team owner doing all the necessary things behind the scenes to allow your team success on the field. For those who actually like to play the game, like in the wildly popular Madden series, there is the franchise mode (adding a team manager simulation to actual game play), the superstar mode (allowing a player to control and guide an athlete throughout his playing career, even importing players from the college video game) and even a life simulation game unto itself with the NBA Ballers world of playing the game to accumulate as much stuff as possible. There is even a social aspect to the games with video game leagues, tournaments and online game play growing larger and larger amongst gamers.

It is obvious that sports fans like the interactivity of playing owner, general manager, coach, and/or the players themselves in a variety of formats as well as the enjoyment of the social interaction between other sports fans who participate in the same activities. If anything, look at the sports blogging community for further proof of the latter point.

So after all this comes my question...when is the sports MMOG going to become a reality and if its done correctly, will it be the next big thing in sports fan/gamer community?

The massive success of the World of Warcraft MMORPG has spawned millions copycats, it is only a matter of time before someone sees how much money is being spent and made on fantasy sports, sports video games, and even sports blogging and sees the massive potential for the sports MMOG.

In poking around on the internet, I found there are a few companies who are vying to be the first to successfully market this idea. Before I continue though, you should know I've never actually played Warcraft or Second Life or any MMOG so take my opinions with a grain of salt.
  • Football Superstars: A soccer MMOG which allows its players to create a soccer player, control that player from his perspective, start out training and playing soccer with friends in a park and eventually become good enough to play professionally, earning money "with which you could buy the best that life can offer. Lead the life of a football superstar in a Utopian world...".

    Basically, instead of experience points you earn money, instead of those guilds of online warriors, the players form teams. So this is more of a "Warcraftian" approach at the sports MMOG, only without the missions and tasks I would assume. Seems kind of limited, but for those who cannot play soccer in real life, I guess it could be fun. Kinda like you could go outside and have a real life, but instead you play the Sims.

  • Football Manager Live: Taking the popular Football Manager series and turning it into a MMOG. It seems to be a mix of the original Football Manager game, fantasy sports, and auction leagues all in one. You start a club from scratch, set-up mini-leagues, bid in player auctions and compete in live matches while controlling the tactics of games in real time, balancing finances, customizing your club and stadium and buying and selling players, auction style.

    This seems to be a different approach to the MMOG. Looks to be more like a fake fantasy league, which can be fun, but ultimately appears to be missing the point of the MMOG.

  • Empire of Sports: Finally, not a soccer MMOG. This game encompasses the entire world of sports. You create your character and develop their skills playing in a variety of games including basketball, tennis, skiing and a series of gym and fitness games, with more to be added. They make a point of saying these are not mini-games, but fully interactive and simulated versions of these sporting events. You then can travel around to a bunch of different "city centers" with facilities and services to help develop your character's athletic talents.

    This game seems to be more of a Second Life/Sims way of going about things, in that it is more of a social experience but still has its own way of providing a "leveling up" experience. You don't seem to be a part of any team here, just one person going about the business of becoming very good in the virtual world of sport. They don't make reference to any sort of money or anything, so I wonder what you can do other than develop your character's body by playing games and get good at them, all while meeting and talking to people online. Seems like it needs to be a bit more massive to be a MMOG.

  • Shot Online: A golf MMOG. You develop your golfing character to become a golf pro. If you practice every day and compete against players with different skills your character can to "level-up" their abilities. There are team matches to get money, tournaments, the ability to just purchase in game money, realistic and rare items to find and purchase in their mall, clothes to purchase, quests (to get those items I presume) and item exchanging with other gamers in the virtual world.

    All in all, this one seems to be the most complete MMOG out there...probably b/c its one of the few that is actually active. It has all the basic components of any MMOG out there. Seems like it wouldn't be bad if the golfing was actually good...which I have no idea b/c I didn't download it.

  • Ultimate Baseball Online: A baseball MMOG which allows a player to build their own character or become part of the community by creating teams, joining leagues, playing in tournaments, becoming a reporter(?), or managing the game as a GM (Game Master). If create your own team you make a team name, hometown, team motto, and preferred game times so that players can see what your team is all about. Then, you must recruit players (other gamers in the virtual world) and improving your team page with a team logo and news for people to read. Once the team is done, you can join a league for league play and play against people of similar skill levels. You can also develop your player's skills through practice, pick up games, and joining a team and playing in league games.

    My first impressions are that this doesn't seem as involved as the golf game and appears to be more like an online version of any baseball game you can play on an Xbox or PS3 only with a bit more control over things. Far less social as well I would think.

That's all I could find, anyone else have any out there (text-based games excluded)? Is anyone going to come out with a football or basketball game out there that would take over the market? We have many successful versions of the parts of what goes into a successful MMOG, but will someone put them all together for a genre changing sports MMOG? If the Warcraft, fantasy sports and sports video game market is any indication, surely the interest is there...its only a matter of time. Better yet, when it does happen...who will be the sports MMOG Leroy Jenkins (see below)?


Thursday, August 16, 2007

Alex Trebeck Is A Potty Mouth Drunk

Classic footage (NSFW language) of Jeopardy's host Alex Trebeck drunk and swearing in outtakes that drive home just how drunk and angry Alex can be when he's not smiling and giving backhanded compliments on television. I guess being a game show host will drive you to drink, must be how they can maintain that glassy eyed, smiling demeanor all the time. I know i'd be lit up like a Christmas tree if that were my job, hey, it worked for Richard Dawson. Sometimes, we have to post these non sports videos. Enjoy

Cowboys Fans Know How To Use Teh Interwebs

The fans of the Dallas Cowboys are an intelligent lot. I say this not because my crack head cousin is a Cowboys fan, no it's because I realize now that they now know how to use computers. This is a fact I know because when I checked out the Redskins Wikipedia page today I noticed something was amiss...there was a giant freakin' Cowboys star at the top of the page along with this:
"The Washington Redskins are a professional American football team based in the Washington, D.C. area. The Washington Deadskins suck. Go Cowboys."
Don't believe me? Go to the page and see for yourself, but here's a screen shot I took of the cached page edit (red highlights at the bottom added by me for emphasis):

I'm typing this at like 4 in the morning and the page is still up. There's a Wiki-War going on and apparently its not the first time the Cowboys fans have defiled the Redskins Wiki page. Its happened on August 2nd, July 21, June 20th and probably a lot more, I just stopped looking there. I expected some sorta retaliation on the part of Redskins fans on the Cowboys wiki history, but there wasn't much except someone replaced their page with
"Worst team ever!!!! HAMBURGERS ARE AWESOME!!!"
which either is a brilliant, sarcastic and half hearted attempt to change the page...or just lame. Luckily, no Redskins fan has attached themselves to the Cowboys page recently...just some Philadelphia Eagles fan on August 8th rudely spouting off with incredibly bad spelling, which makes sense for those mouth breathers.

Its quite a battle that is going between the NFC East foes, who knew so many geeks actually watched football? Lets hope that the Redskins fans can actually retaliate on in a more interesting way than the Cowboys & Eagles fans have done.

What's good is that the rivalry is still somewhat alive in this Joe Gibbs II era...and that Dallas Cowboys fans are both somewhat literate and can actually use computers. No child left behind is working I guess. Good for them. Go Skins.

We Do Bike Races Better Than The French

Here in the good ole U.S. of A. we like to create our own, bastard versions, of sports. Let us add the bike race to the list. Up at the Massachusetts Bicycle Coalition's annual biking festival, held in Concord, Massachusetts, you can now participate in a bike race AND a pie eating contest all in one. Thats right, its a pie race.

What the deal is, the race is a 6 1/2 mile race with 3 pie eating stations placed along the race route. When you reach a "pie stop", you must eat a slice of pie before you can move on, there can be no pie left on the plate or in your mouth. Obviously the faster you eat the pie, the better you will do in a race, so now bike racing is not a battle of endurance and dehydration, no its also a test of intestinal fortitude.

For any of our Massachusettes readers, there is still time to register. The race is on August 25th, register by heading to their site here.

Bike racing, it is now as American as apple pie. Personally, I think they should've made the riders eat a whole pie, just so i can see someone spew like Davey "Lardass" Hogan (see video).



Sorry Injury Rate...we had to do it. Nice slip n slide post though

WNBA Can Be An Eye Popping Experience

In this case...that can be read literally. Those in attendance for Tuesday night's Chicago Sky/New York Liberty game were in for a horrifying sight, Chicago forward Chasity Melvin's eyeball was gouged out of the socket by New York's Shameka Christon after accidentally poking Melvin in the eye with several fingers while going for a rebound.

Melvin had this to say after the game:
"It was kind of traumatizing. I really felt my eyeball coming out. I felt it coming out and I felt it outside of my face. It's going to take some time to get over this."
No kidding? It might take me some time to get over this and I only read about it. Lets all not forget that this isn't the first time this has happened in a ball game...Allen Ray, we will never forget you.



From WBBM 780
True Hoop did this earlier...but without the snazzy photoshop and video.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Monkeys Can Do More Sit-Ups Than Kevin Durant

The Ancient Mystic Society Of No Caseys

Tiger Tiger Woods y'all hates him some cripples. Either that or he hates golf carts. Either way, Casey Martin's not playing a round at Tiger's new golf course anytime soon.

Tiger is designing his first golf course in the mountains of North Carolina near Asheville. This comes on the heels of the first year of his successful golf tournament the Chocolate City Classic officially known as the AT&T National. The course named The Cliffs of North Carolina will not allow carts "which Woods said was key to the deal".

The 31-year-old said he will gradually grow his design business, selecting projects that fit within his crowded schedule.

But he pledged to come to the site as often as necessary to get the job done right.

``As you know, I'm kind of a perfectionist,'' Woods said.

Tiger should talk to his boy Michael Jordan about showing up to the job. Maybe he'd keep jobs longer and not draft donkeys like Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison. Then again, Morrison does have a sweet ass molestache.

Wayne Rooney's Metatarsal


One weekend down. Spurs are getting relegated and Sunderland's gonna win the league. Who says there's no balance in the Premier League? Two roundups in one week. It's like a gang sweep in LA except no innocents are beaten unless you count Spuds fans.

Yay! Wait...I Like Stuff but These are Things

It's not enough that Posh Spice annoys us with her excessive preening and desperation for media attention. Now she's started a blog and "writes" like a valley girl from an 80s movie.
Hope you are all well? Well we have finally unpacked our boxes and I am loving our new house - it is totally major! ... The boys are really looking forward to starting their new school so we've got to make sure they are all kitted out with new schoolbags and pencil cases - you remember what it's like going back to school, you've got to have a new EVERYTHING!
David and myself attended a launch last week in Bel Air (very swish) for the launch of our latest fragrance Intimately Beckham ...
I'm also just starting work on my new dVb denim collection - I'm really excited about starting the next project - it's going to be totally major so keep your eyes open for that.
I'm so totally dumber for having read that.

I didn't have to share that find but what good is pain if you can't share it?

McClaren: Top Formula One Team or Assclown Manager

I'll take B for 1000.

Steve McClaren shouldn't feel bad. It's not his fault that the FA couldn't choose a decent England manager if the lives of the English people depended on it. Someone as incompetent as him never should have been put in the position of managing a national team let alone a chip shop. Nothing says competence and skill like having a fan run on the field, tear his season ticket up and throw it at you.

McClaren banished David Beckham from the national squad only to have him inspire Real Madrid to a La Liga title and look like a world beater. He was forced to go crawling back and beg Beckham to rejoin the team. One would think he would have learned from that experience but...

Fast forward to Jamie Carragher. He's been left in the cold in favor of Ledley King and Wes Brown. One would be hard pressed to find a number of fans who would rate him below those two donkeys.

Carragher, rightfully sick over how he has been treated, declared he was finished with international football. A couple injuries later, McClown has been forced to drop to his knees and beg him to come back. He would be right to tell McClown where to stick it.

It's not all doom and gloom so buck up, England! Sol Campbell's getting a recall.

Toilet Seat Thieves Don't Cut It Anymore

Chelsea have reportedly landed Brazilian right back Daniel Alves from Sevilla for over £21.5m. He was held out of Sevilla's Champions League qualifier with AEK Athens yesterday so that he would not be cup-tied in case he made the move to Chelsea or another Champions League team like Real Madrid.

If the reports are true, Chelsea will have a world class right back and can banish toilet seat thief Glen Johnson to the salt mines for his shockingly awful play.

"You're just a fat Eddie Murphy" for Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink? Brilliant.

It's Worse Than Opening The Ark of the Covenant