Tuesday, July 31, 2007

How To Lose Teeth

If you want a grill as jacked up as our main man Jaws...follow these easy steps 1) Attempt a flip with the help of two of your friends who cannot support your weight; 2) Painfully fall on your face. Observe below in yet another Random Video of Horrific Violence.

Very Painful Face Plant - Watch more free videos


Disclaimer, this video had like over 1 million views, so if someone else has posted it previously, I am truly sorry, I never saw it and I had to post it on the Deuce.

Bonds' Head. Ten Times Bigger Than A-Rod's

Barry Bonds subscribes to the Cedric Benson School of Self-Motivation. Benson said, referring to Thomas Jones, that he's "10 times the man and 10 times the player". Bonds feels the same way when it comes to A-Rod.
"Is he as good as me? Hell, no," Bonds told The Post when asked if Rodriguez was the best player of this generation. "He's better than me now because he's younger than me. But, hell no."

Bonds was later asked if Rodriguez ranks right behind him. "He ain't even second," he said. Bonds said that honor goes to his close friend, Ken Griffey Jr., "but he got hurt."
We're surprised that Bonds didn't put the Brown Hornet and Bookman from Good Times above A-Rod as well. They always came through in the clutch.

Mets Fans Take Losing Badly

One New York Mets fan couldn't take losing to the Washington Nationals on the tail end of the doubleheader...so he took a barbell and beat his mom to death.

25 year old Michael Anthony of Queens started beating the walls of his bedroom furiously when the Nationals took the lead in the previously tied game, his father came in to calm him down and got punched in his face and thrown to the ground for his efforts. His mother then attempted to calm her son down and subsequently got stabbed in the head with a knife, chased into her bedroom, then beat down several times with a 20lb barbell until she died.

There was no picture of this waste of DNA to be found on the web, but one can assume he looks something like this douche-bag above...or anyone you might find on NJ Guido.com. Packers fans are pissed that one of theirs hadn't thought of doing this yet.


From Reuters

Cedric Benson Needs A Hug

Little does Lil' Brady know that he's about to meet the Care Bear Rape Stand.

Pay attention, people of Chicago. Put down the brats and Old Style. Someone needs your help and it's not Eddy Curry or Antoine Walker. It's Cedric Benson. If you see him walking down the street and he starts to cry, don't walk on by. He could use a little love right now.

Benson opened up to the Chicago Sun-Times about last season's feud with Thomas Jones and his lack of trust for his teammates. Let's break it down.

''I don't want to start a big mess,'' Benson said. ''But I don't mind real talk because these are things I really feel but don't say much about.''
I know I should shut up but I'm too stupid to listen to me. Alright brain, you don't like me and I don't like you but let's just do this interview and I can get back to killing you with beer.

"If there was somebody I didn't really trust and they wanted to go out to dinner or something, I would still go. I would still try to get acquainted with them or try to be friends or be more trustworthy of them.''
You should come to me and make nice. I don't trust you but please don't let opposing defenses chop block me.

Benson said coming to the Bears as the fourth overall selection in the 2004 draft wasn't so much hard for him as it was hard for some teammates. ''I guess they didn't like [my contract] and they were probably good buddies with Thomas. I had to deal with that, too, and that is something people don't really know.''
Yeah it was jealousy. I'm sure it wasn't the fact you held out for over a month and talked shit instead of coming in, shutting up and doing your job.

Benson also bitched and moaned about taking extra shots in practice.
''I was the only one who came out of camp with a separated shoulder. I mean, we're talking a separated shoulder, not a bruise. Take what you want from that. I don't think it's hard to figure out."
Too bad his own coaches didn't back him up.

''Having Thomas last year, he was established; you knew he was going to be there,'' [Running backs coach Tim] Spencer said. ''Ced was trying to take his job, so he was trying to step up his play. He was running harder. He was trying to do some things, to be physical and show everybody he can be that guy, and he probably took a few too many shots. I don't think anybody took any cheap shots at him; that's not our guys.

''It was tough. Thomas was a true pro. He was going to do everything right, and unless you're going to do everything right, too, and do it a lot better, it's going to be tough [to take the job] from a guy like that.''

In other words, Benson had no chance of taking Thomas' job even when it was given to him.

"The way my attitude is or the way my guard is set up is based on how I have been treated. It's not like I was like this always. I was never all that open and outgoing, but these things have made me stay to myself even more."

Ced should have no problem fitting in this season. He'll kick it with Bears running back emeritus Rashaan Salaam at the Wild Hare while making new friends every week. Friends with linebackers and defensive ends rolling through the offensive line easier than a trust fund douchebag into someone rhyming with Haris Pilton's ass. Don't be surprised if Brian Urlacher separates his other shoulder. Any idea which Bear punches him this season? Our money's on the Cumslinger. So fast he can pull off the donkey punch with no hands.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Landycakes Wants Back In The House

Looks like everyone in LA isn't excited about David Beckham joining the MLS and the Galaxy.

Primadonovan wants back to Europe but he also wants back on his own terms.

"The older I get and the more I play, the more I'm yearning for that highest level I can play at and I think the Premiership would be the best place the play," he told Sky Sports News.

"If I were to go obviously the language isn't an issue. There are a lot of Americans there. It would be the easiest place the settle, Germany was difficult.

Wah! Donovan had his chance to play at the highest levels and ran back with his tail between his legs when things got hard. He bitched about playing time even though he was dreadful when he played especially during Champions League. Premiership teams are really on the lookout for players with no heart or commitment.

These days, the number of Americans playing abroad are increasing by the the week and they're not all going to English-speaking countries. Many are in Germany and Scandinavia as well as other non-English speaking countries. "Phenom" Freddy Adu is about to head off to Benfica in Portugal. Others have fought their way to the top like Jay Demerit who was playing non-league football before working his way up to a starting position with Watford.

If the under-20 World Cup is anything to go by, American soccer definitely has a bright future ahead of it. The players are young, hungry and willing to do what it takes to be the best they can be. Donovan should just gaze with jealousy at Goldenballs and work on putting his crosses into the net (if he ever plays). Leave Europe to the players like Brian McBride, Brad Friedel, Tony Sanneh, Kasey Keller, etc.

Oak Speaks...YOU WILL LISTEN

Charles Oakley was interviewed by The Star recently and, as he is apt to do, Oak dropped a few interesting nuggets. Never at a shortage of words, Oakley waxed about his career, the FBI NBA gambling probe, and books. Here's the highlights from the article with my thoughts in italics:

On his life currently:
"I'm doing the rock star life right now...Travelling, chilling, hangin' out."
Not a bad way to live life man...oh to have the life of an ex NBA player for just one day...ok maybe a week...maybe a month.

On a possible comeback:
"I'm not coming back cheap." "If you read this article and you think you can get me cheap, there's another thought coming."
Who wouldn't want to pay top dollar for a 43 year old bruiser who hasn't played in 3 years? ERNIE GRUNFELD GET ON THE PHONE QUICK! I think the old man should just stick to washing cars

On Ton Donaghy:
"If the guy was fixing games, he was wrong. If players are getting money to win games, lose games, they're wrong."
Way to take a bold stance on this one Oak.

On Coaching in the NBA:
"There's a lot of less talent for smarts in the game, but a lot of talent for athletic ability."
Wha??

On his upcoming book:
"I'm not pulling any punches, true stories. It ain't one of those Charles Barkley fake books, it's a Charles Oakley book, it's not an O.J. book, it's an Oakley book."
This sounds more like a Jose Canseco book to me and I will of course be reading it. Let me stick it on my Amazon shopping cart right now!

Good article, a little odd in that it says that Oakley is 6'3 when he's clearly 6'9, but it does provide a great chance to show off some of the better Oakley quotables from the past:
"If it ain't broke, don't break it."
"[Entourages] are like contracts. Everybody's got one. Some are just bigger than others."
"It was like the police trying to stop a shootout: You gotta have your gun out. Don't go out there with your hands down."
"Nowadays, these young guys, anytime you say something, you're picking on them. Back in the day, half of these guys wouldn't get in the league...The league is just like daycare.''
"Oh well, that's basketball. It used to be basketball. I don't know what it is now."
From The Star

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Who Shot Who In The What Now?

The weekend's gonna be YouTube heavy so just deal with it.

Check this video from Presspass featuring the fashion stylings of Clinton Portis, Santana Moss and Willis McGahee. Spanky Janky's style puts everyone else to shame.



Note "stylist" Sadia Morrison assisting Portis. It's not our job at the Deuce to be fashion gurus but what the hell is up with that hair? It looks like she found an old lion mane in a dumpster behind the Bronx Zoo and decided to rock it after giving it a perm. No snaps up for her.

It gets better. It turns out Morrison's a certifiable disaster like Al-Anbar. Apparently, she doesn't like it when people make it rain with other people's money.

Morrison was rolling with Pacman Jones on the infamous "Make It Rain" night of February 19 in Vegas.
Police [recommended] that ... [25]-year-old Sadia Morrison, face similar charges in connection with the fight ... Morrison, a New York resident, should be charged with one felony count of coercion in addition to the felony battery with a deadly weapon charge she was already facing, police said. Police booked Morrison into the Clark County jail on the day of the shooting for the felony battery charge.
Spanky better kick her out of his house right quick before she sees where he keeps the Eastern Motors chains.

If she tells you to wear Nadal-style mapris and Air Jesus sandals, you better do it. If you don't take her fashion advice, you might get dealt with Remy Ma style.

Update: It looks like the Bog and Fanhouse already did posts on this video and the connection between Morrison and Pacman in June.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Well So Much For That


Woof woof muthafuckas. It was nice knowing you, Ookie. Michael Vick's co-defendant Tony Taylor decided to flip and accept a plea offer from prosecutors. Of course, this means he has agreed to spill everything he knows about the dog-fighting operation which will include Vick's involvement.
Prosecutors claim Taylor, 34, found the Surry County property purchased by Vick and used it as the site of "Bad Newz Kennels," a dogfighting enterprise. The Hampton man also allegedly helped purchase pit bulls and killed at least two dogs that fared poorly in test fights.
Ron better hope that his herp-herp keeps his fellow prisoners off that ass. Hope he's still working out cause he's going to need those evasive skills if he drops the soap.

Celtics Waive Shuttlesworth Jesus

Apparently Boston Celtics guard Allen Ray didn't have game. We assume the Celtics released Ray to make way for guard Ray Allen. Ray's father Jake was unavailable for comment as he was being returned to prison to finish his prison sentence.

Fuck Allen Ray's game if it ain't sayin' nuthin'.

Friday, July 27, 2007

How Not To Jump Off The Diving Board

Who knew there was a weight limit on these things...Christ this had to hurt.

The Constitutional Vol. 13

Long time and no links, so...here we are again. Still writing on Epic Carnival, did a minor guest spot on With-Malice, life is good. Welcome to the Constitutional.

Comcast Is The Anti-Christ

They finally did it. They took the NFL Network away from me. I was the proud owner of 1 Comcast Cable digital box with the digital plus service with HD...but no more. The reason why I got the digital plus was because it contained the Holy Grail of cable systems...the NFL Network. The problem is...it is no longer there. I received no message telling me I was losing this channel, no notice at all, it was stolen away from me in the dead of night, like the Colts leaving Baltimore all over again. Those sons of bitches!

Now, if i wish to enjoy to enjoy my NFL Network, I must subscribe to Comcast's Sports and Entertainment Package. Comcast explains the change in this way:

Now Comcast customers who are NFL fans can watch the NFL Network on the Comcast Sports Entertainment Package while customers who do not wish to watch NFL games will not incur additional costs.
Excuse me? WHO THE FUCK DOES NOT WANT TO WATCH NFL GAMES? Its the most popular sport in the US!

Basically, they're attempting to strong arm the NFL who was insisting that Comcast stick this channel on their basic or non-premium plans while still forcing Comcast to pay more money for the channel. Comcast saw their bluff, and just stuck it where they wanted. Who loses? ME.

This Chimpanzee is raging. Since both of these fuckwads are screwing me over, I'm through. Comcast will lose money from me because i'm going to ratchet down my service to the most basic of cable, since the only reason I had this plan with hundreds of channels was because the NFL Network was on it. Comcast & the NFL will lose because I am not paying extra for their channel when I already was paying extra for their channel by getting the Digital Plus plan. I'm not going to pay extra, extra for a bunch of random sports channels I don't want.

Fuck you Comcast for making me lose one of the few channels I actually did watch...and fuck you Time Warner for Mustafa not even being given this choice by you guys not even putting the network on your cable system.

Comcast image from Legions.org
Screaming image from Ownedbyjason

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sex With A Gator Drink??

As us bloggers are apt to do, I just went through the keyword analysis of the searches that brought people to my page. I know the Deuce has some weird stories, so this made for an interesting excursion through our readers' minds. Here's some of the more interesting ones I found:

"there's some hoes in this house"
"the deuce 2 dog sporting box"
"england manager fired for pooping in a cup"
"favourite didn't know"
"gangster snooker"

And of course, my favorite: "Sex with a Gator drink". What the fuck does this even mean? Its awesome, it should be the name of a Deuce spinoff blog. I need to make a t-shirt of this I think. This is now the reply I will give someone when I do not know the answer to any question. Question: "What is the theory of relativity?" Answer: "Sex with a Gator drink." I must find the reason for this phrase, it might be the greatest blog post ever.

Update! I found it, its from the Drinks That Should Be Named After Athletes post. Whew...it was a drink called Sex With A Gator. I see now...nevertheless...its still pretty fantastic. My new favorite has to be "there's some hoes up in this house" now. Just classic.

New Office Sport: Faceball

If you're like me, and I know you are, you are bored most of the 8-12 hours of the day when you're supposed to be working. Instead of filling that time with web browsing and talking on the phone, why not, instead, participate in FACEBALL! As they say on the site, your loins will be damp with excitement. The sport (or game) consists of 2 players, 2 day-glo beach balls, and 2 faces. Whomever hits their opponent's face the most wins. This is some serious boredom here, I only hope this was some sorta film project they were doing. Nevertheless, for full instructions, watch the movie below, and you should watch, its mildly entertaining.


An introduction to Faceball from Face Ball and Vimeo.

From Faceball.org via my brother via checksum crusader

Whoop Whoop That's The Sound Of The Beast

Woof woof muthafucka. You know the times are ill when Roger Goodell is putting in more work than the attorney general. Well I'm assuming that Goodell hasn't bum rushed Arthur Blank in bed like John Ashcroft. "Don't sentence the boy. I will..."

The Washington Post reported that Commish Goodell appointed a former U.S. Deputy Attorney General's Uncle's Cousin's Brother's Undersecretary's Roommate Eric Holder to investigate Falcons QB Michael Vick for beating down dogs. Somewhere in Charlotte David Carr is asking why an investigation wasn't opened on the suspects who beat him down like a pitbull for the past five years.

What does Goodell think he will find out? It isn't enough to wait for the resolution of the case against Vick? What's Holder going to find out that current federal prosecutors won't? Maybe he'll start calling Holder E.H. and making him show up for meetings in a helicopter. Maybe the two of them will conduct their own investigation along with Gene Upshaw playing the role of Rick because the federal prosecution is taking too long.

Hopefully Goodell will bring his evidence to VA and scream that the prosecutors aren't doing enough and that he'll take the case into his own hands if they don't move faster.

Maybe he'll even lobby Congress to become judge, jury and executioner for any player currently in the NFL. Imagine that, no longer will a NFL player be subject to normal judicial process, all trials and punishments will be handled before and by the Commissioner. Player gets arrested, sent to Goodell's special NFL holding cells, he will determine guilt or innocence and then hand out the punishment based on his verdict. That way NFL players will no longer clog our legal system and he can take into account the best interests of the league. This would put the fear of GOD into the players, what player would want to be sentenced to jail by their own league's Commissoner? There'd be no way a good lawyer could get them out of trouble, he just wouldn't care. I think this needs to happen.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Headline Of The Day


Courtesy of the Times of London:

Dong ready to rise in the East

"An unproven teenager, he was, like cheap manufactured goods, being shipped to Europe for an indefinite period in storage."

No comment necessary.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Radio Call of Line Drive That Killed 1st Base Coach

This is the audio of the radio broadcast the night when Tulsa Drillers first base coach Mike Coolbaugh was struck in the head with a ball and killed. Not very long or graphic, just the shock of the hit and then the concern in their voice while still trying to keep it light for listeners. Our hearts go out to Coolbaugh's family. Have a listen


Via Daily Motion

Packers Fans: The Most Dedicated In The Land

Scott Scherer, 39, and Melanie Hardrath, 30, admitted to having locked Hardrath's 7 year old son in his room with a loaf of bread, peanut butter and jelly, and a bucket to use as a toilet that he would have to clean when they returned from watching the Green Bay Packers at the Potawatomi Bingo Casino. From Yahoo News:
They had enough money to hire a baby sitter, said Assistant District Attorney Chris Liege, who showed the judge photographs of the couple's extensive collection of Packers memorabilia.

This is all pretty sick...I think the sickest thing about it is that Hardrath only has to serve seven months in a county jail and Scherer just has to serve nine months, both get four years of probation with a stayed sentence of two years in prison...oh and more extended supervision.

How does she get to keep the kid? Jesus, she made her kid make his own fucking sandwiches!!!

Link from Yahoo AP News

Russian Hotties Run Race In Heels

The Russians know what makes for a good race and this one is MUCH better than Ladder Racing. Here you take a hundred hot women, put them in high heels (at least 3.5 inches high) and make them run. The winner took home a cool 50,000 Roubles (about $2,000). Enjoy the photos.
All photos from Reuters & Xinhua

Monday, July 23, 2007

Gainful Employment Needed: Will Provide Adequate Backup


How is this man out of a job? Jason Cole of Yahoo Sports is wondering the same thing:

[Aaron]Brooks has been on the mend since suffering a stomach injury last season with the Oakland Raiders. He had a workout with the Washington Redskins a month ago, according to his agent, but has gotten little interest. That's odd for a quarterback of his physical talent. If healthy, Brooks would be one of the top backups in the league.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that Vinnie Testaverde can get a job as a backup on a team with serious super bowl possibilites, but Aaron Brooks cannot even get a job on the Lions or Browns or Cardinals. He is not a great Qb by any means, but a career QB Rating of 78.5%, a 6 year starting quarterback in the NFL, is a threat to run at any time, and has had just two truly bad seasons as a starting quarterback...unfortnately for Aaron, those were his last two seasons. But, look at his stats and tell me you don't see a quarterback that can be a great backup in the league, especially compared to some of the stiffs currently occupying that role for some teams (Gus Frerotte is the backup for Bulger and the Rams...are you kidding me??). Someone is going to get a steal of a backup with Aaron Brooks...and I'm not saying that because he went to my alma mater.

Blog Show XVI

The Deuce has made it back onto television! We made an appearance for posting of the Borat video & photo we found out there on the web. Watch and enjoy Jaime and Dan really starting to look quite comfortable on the television. Good stuff, thanks for the hookup gentlemen.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Air Golf: A Brilliant Idea

A company called Air Force Golf has come up with a novel way for people who can no longer swing a golf club, or just don't want to swing a club, to still be able to play the game of golf...by shooting a golf ball out of a high pressure air cannon. Seriously. Yet another new sport has been created and the Deuce is naming it Cannon Golf, but it calls itself The Air Golf Association.

Apparently the concept came when the creator's dad lost the use of his right arm and leg due to a stroke and he wanted to figure out a way for his father to keep playing the game. Apparently he felt that the only way this could be done was to create a golf ball bazooka for his father to shoot. Now, I'm no medical expert, but it seems to me like you might want to have use of both arms and legs to steady yourself, aim, fire, and withstand whatever the recoil is from shooting a golf ball 300 yards with several pounds of pressurized air.

The company's home page extols the virtues of the cannon as follows:
The Air Force Golf Ball Launcher is an air pressured device that will allow people to fly a golf ball from up to 300 yards to as little as just a few feet. The advantages to this revolutionary sport are that no clubs are needed (except for a putter), no physical skills are required, and any and everyone can enjoy the newest way to play the game of golf. The only two decisions left are: 1. How much air pressure is needed for this shot and 2. what angle is needed to achieve the maximum distance from the launcher. (which is upwards of 300 yards).

This is just scary. Can you imagine what you could do on a golf course with this? The abuse potential alone from shooting balls at that guy behind your group who is always yelling "Hurry UP!" is off the charts. College students and fellow drunkards will have a FIELD day with this thing! This is not to mention the fact that I cannot for the life of me hit a golf club with any sort of accuracy whatsoever, but I sure as hell can shoot a damn gun!


The Air Golf Association even has an idea for its first tournament:
We will have a 'Texas Shootout' where 144 players will all donate $1,000.00. The top amount of players who finish the 18th hole will now go to the 19th hole for a "shootout!" A hole that can be reached by the Golf Ball Launcher but far enough to make it a challenge will be the "shootout" hole. Everyone will get one shot at the pin. Whomever gets the closest to the pin will win the grand prize of $100,000.00. Second and Third place finishers will split the rest of the pot minus donations made to the AGA and subsequently disabled veterans. Once we get enough of these events throughout the country we will have our own 'super bowl-like' event, in which the top three players from each event will play for a million dollar winner take all challenge.

Right now they are offering the first 525 for sale to the public at a price tag of $995...not including the 2-stage hand pump or 12 volt mini air compressor you'll need to generate the PSI needed to launch that little white ball into oblivion. Just contact them and let them know. I dunno how I'm going to be able to pony up over a grand for the gun and equipment and then another grand for the tournament. I'd better win that junk if I did enter. I just want them to know that if they give me one...I will market the HELL out of them for free. See, here's their logo!

From Inventions Showcase

At A Store Near You MLB Crocs...ugh

MLB is proving that they'll throw a logo on anything just to get more money in their pockets. Crocs shoes has just signed a branded footwear deal with MLB to get their logos on a bunch of these crappy rubber shoes. I thought the Croc trend died before it started, but apparently Bud thinks differently. Here's what the evil Croc-maker said about the deal
Ron Snyder, CEO of Crocs, Inc., stated, “We are proud to partner with Major League Baseball Properties and we look forward to providing baseball fans with Crocs footwear and Jibbitz charms featuring their favorite team colours and logo. This agreement represents an important step in the evolution of our sports licensing business.”
You know what this means, we all now must look forward to seeing these day glow eyesores all over the ballpark by trendy logo wearing fans nationwide. Thank God, they didn't sign one with Uggs too. Be a hero...don't buy these shoes. (Yes, that is Mario Batali wearing Crocs...take it as a sign).

The Constitutional Vol. 12

Mustafa's on assignment in LA tracking down Chelsea (the team) and Beckham (The David), hopefully he'll grab some good pictures. I'm battling through writers block so...Welcome to the Constitutional.
  • An Extremely In Depth and Informative Article on Rock Paper Scissors. Seriously, it goes so in depth into history and strategy its scary. Utne Reader

  • The evening news is now catching on to Myspace & Facebook and found some dirt on other Minnesota Gophers. KSTP.com

  • The Tome is using math & picking NFL winners, degenerate gamblers get your pen & paper ready...damn this guy is smart. The Daily Sports Tome

  • If steroids are so great, why can't it help BOHChris win at 2kSports Football & Sons of Sam Malone are Live Blogging the British Open, check it out tomorrow for more. Epic Carnival

  • Snoop is coming for you Les Miles! 100% Injury Rate

  • Why Car Racing Is Not A Sport. We Suck At Sports

  • Jayson Stark at ESPN is wrong...again. Between The Lines

  • Sooze is wondering whats derailed the D-train? Funny thing is, my fantasy team is wondering the same thing...DAMMIT! Babes Love Baseball

  • Its been awhile since we've graced our hometown Comcast SportsNet BlogShow...vote for us and the Borat video guys, maybe we should buy Mottram & Steinberg a beer. Mr. Irrelevant. (Damn that SML guy is one angry bloke, WTF crawled up his ass?)

  • I dont know if anyone saw this, but the guys at Blame The Ref just ate 100 hot dogs with no breaks in between. Intro, Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV

Who needs Beckham?

The LA Galaxy needs to run over to Europe and sign this guy, he'll dribble circles around that punk Beckham.


http://view.break.com/334493 - Watch more free videos


Via Blizzmax

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Steakhouse Incident

Ok, so this is not sports, but it is shit related and the funniest thing I've read in a long long time. Since we are a sportblog based off one giant shit joke, its only fair that we give some time to a hilarious, yet disgusting story. Here is the link but since I don't trust you guys to click on it (hello, google ads here?!?) i've block quoted the entire thing from Ihos.com. The story is by Steve Crisp.

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.

At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, like what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no fucking toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.


The Coup De Grâce

When Lando speaks, you listen.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

Greetings from the left coast. I finally made it out to LA after steam pipe explosions, cab drivers who wanted to perform the Hajj in their taxi, delayed flights, staying on hold for 25 minutes and screaming babies. Delta can shove a 737 up its ass sideways. Anyway, I'll be bringing updates and pictures from today's Chelsea closed practice as well as the Chelsea vs. Beckham-less Galaxy match on Saturday. In the meantime here's your fix, Pookie.


Poor Goldenballs. All this pressure to save American soccer (as though there's something to save) and his ankle won't cooperate. There's a good chance David Beckham will be held out of tonight's MLS All-Star game vs. Celtic and the Galaxy's match against Chelsea on Saturday due to an ankle injury. Of course, this would be a disaster for the MLS and ESPN who have hyped his debut to unsustainable levels. What would they say if it turned out his ankle wasn't the real problem?

The Sun reports that Chelsea players have been texting Beckham to tell him they're going to beat him like a rented mule on Saturday.
“It’s just a bit of banter between the lads. David can take a joke and he knows they don’t really mean it. At least he doesn’t think they do.”
Frank Lampard, Joe Cole and John Terry are the suspected culprits but if anything happens, our money is on John Mikel Obi.

They're probably joking but he's probably decided to take himself out of the game anyway. If he can get punked by a mouth breather like Rio Ferdinand, he'll fall for anything.



It also doesn't help that the Galaxy were bent over by a bunch of ankle-kicking Mexicants last night.
The coach Frank Yallop said it was "flat and uninspired," and added: "We were slightly nervous with David here. We were scared to get on the ball, scared to
make mistakes. We let ourselves down."
This is going to go as well as the Magic Hour and Chevy Chase Show combined.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Phil Hartman For Activision

Check out this clip that Mustafa found out there on teh interwebs. Its classic Phil Hartman shilling the "classic" Ice Hockey game for the Atari 2600...they just dont make commercials like this anymore and really who doesn't miss Phil Hartman...besides Andy Dick.



From Fjetsam

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

American Gladiators + Little People = Midget Wars!!

I mean, honestly, I don't think I can explain it any better than the title did. Here's an American Gladiators spoof with midgets instead of hulked up gladiators like Nitro and Gemini as opponents for the competitors. Prepare to watch some midgets get pummeled all in the name of sport...and comedy.

The Constitutional Vol. 11

Before we get to our dump, just like to say that we're also a part of the hopefully soon to be infamous Epic Carnival here in the blogosphere. Of course everyone and their mother is a part of it, so there will be no shortage of good reading constantly on it. Luckily, this won't affect the Deuce at all posting-wise, we'll keep doing our thing, contributing to the Carnival as we can, like we did here with Urban Mushing. We'll also be contributing elsewhere as well, look around for us popping up on other sites in the future. That being said...Welcome to the Constitutional.

Borat Appears At Tour de France

This happy guy in a Borat inspired get-up made his appearance running in front of the riders before the live cameras on Stage 8 of the Tour De France. Pop culture colliding with sport at its finest. Thanks to NutmegNine for getting this hilariously grotesque screen-grab. As it turns out...there's a YouTube of it set to what I assume is Kazakhstanian music as well.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Mourning Back For 1 More Year of Sucking

It took three months for Alonzo Mourning to decide what to do for the upcoming NBA season and he chose to test that new kidney a little more. That's right, he's coming back for 1 last year and taking home a cool $2,762,500 for another season of blocking shots, making Shaq look in shape and otherwise sucking a big fat one on the basketball court.
"I want to redeem myself and try to help this team redeem ourselves as an organization and try to get back on track," Mourning said. "That wasn't the Miami team you saw in the playoffs last year. ... I was embarrassed. I was truly embarrassed by that outcome. I know for a fact we're a better team. It left a sour taste in my mouth and it's time to really end it all on the right note."

Wait, he doesn't want to be embarrassed?? He is 37 years old and while missing only 6 games last year, quite a feat for playing with only 1 original kidney, he averaged 8.6ppg/4.5rpg/2.3bpg all while playing 20 minutes a game. He shot an admirable .560 from the field but an almost Shaq-like .600 from the free throw line. His PER for the season was 16.76 (only b/c he blocked 2.3 shots in his 20 mpg) leaving him just behind the comparatively awesome Nenad Krstic and Zaza Pachulia in the famed Hollinger Player Efficiency Ratings. None of these numbers can possibly go up from last year.

Ok, his blocked shots are good, I mean the last time Dikembe blocked that many shots a game was way back in 01-02 in a Sixers uniform and he is somehow still in the league but really, Mourning achieves high levels of suckdom in every other aspect of the sport of basketball. His points and rebounds per game has been on a steady decline since 2001 while his blocks remain nearly the same. Know what this means? He is standing in the paint waiting to block a shot leaving himself in poor rebounding position, then is too slow to get back to the other end of the court and score because...he is 37 years old and has a kidney that did not come pre-packaged in his body.

Granted teams like the Wizards are still on the hook for players like Etan Thomas and Brendan Haywood who make a ton more with not much better output but at least they still hold the promise that they can get better and their PER's are 15.6 and 14.2. Mourning hasn't been that productive since 2003, he is, and has been for awhile, going downhill.

This is nothing against Alonzo as a person, he, by all appearances, is a great and very charitable guy, having done some wonderful things for healthy and sick people alike...but he should hang it up. Its no longer inspirational. Its getting to be a little sad. I'm not a Heat fan, but I did grow up watching Georgetown play some great basketball from my parent's suburban MD home, I want to remember 'Zo like I used to, not now. You never want to see a player pull a Willy Mays...and tell Dikembe to quit playin too.


From ABC News
Stats From Basketball Reference.com

There's Nothing Better Than Man Love


Jon Gruden better keep his feelings to himself. T.O.'s gonna start talking about Jeff Garcia again. Then again why hide true love? Coach Gruden loves him some Jeff Garcia.
"I love Garcia," Gruden said recently. "I like what he's doing a lot. I just think he's got some traits we haven't had around here - his mobility, his experience."

"I just like good quarterbacks, like everybody else in this league. Guys that can make plays a number of ways, whether it be through experience, seeing a look, not running the ball into a corner blitz, making a change at the line of scrimmage. A guy who can create with his legs. I like a guy that works the pocket and can throw the ball in congested areas and be accurate. A leader. A consistent performer."
Men and women always say that men don't know what they want out of a relationship. If this isn't specific enough, there's no hope and assclown hacks like Dr. Phil are going be in business for a long time.

Put on some Luther, fellas. Fat Luther if available. You've gone this long without finding true love. Take your time and cherish every moment. You've earned it.

Love may be in the air in the City of Tampa but alas, all is not well. While Garcia and Gruden stop to love (STOP!), spleen-less Chris Simms is a dead man walking. There's no way he's seeing the field again. He's like the stiff who comes home early from work to find his wife fucking the guy in the clown suit. "Bitch, I gave you my spleen and this is how you fucking repay me??"
"Garcia is a guy we coveted. We made no secret about that the last few years. He's in great shape, he's doing a good job and I don't want to jinx him. He still has a long way to go, but we do like his progress, and we think he's got a nice future here."
Wonder if Gruden or anyone else in the Amish administration told Chris Simms about the collective hard-on for Garcia.
Jebediah Glazer: Malcolm, someone should tell the boy we no longer want to churn butter in his backside. A boy without a spleen is no longer suitable for such customs.

Malcolm Glazer: Sigh. 'Tis true, Jebediah. We must let him down lightly. We can only look forward now. I have sent for the ratboy they call Rio Ferdinand so that he may initiate the Rumspringa in the Garcia boy.
Somewhere Shawn King is laughing while jockeying cars in Adams Morgan and eating bags of pork rinds.

Now That's A Fresh Start

Happy because he's going to Barca or he's rid of the ol' ball and chain?

It doesn't matter if you're an Arsenal fan or you think Arsene Wenger's a fuckin' pedophile (as the song goes). You can't question the skill and ability of Thierry Henry. When it came to finishing, Arsenal were useless without him. Deadly accurate in front of the goal and whiny away from it, he will be missed (by Arsenal fans).

It appears that Henry or Titi as he's known to the Arsenal faithful is a clinical finisher off the field as well. He decided his marriage was finished and walked out on his wife Claire and two-year old daughter on his way to Barcelona. News of the World reports that Claire found messages and pictures on his cell and that led to a fight which precipitated the breakup.

Friends said the declining relationship was also one of the reasons he left Arsenal. Of course this could be garbage as News of the World like all British tabloids is as reliable as Joe Isuzu or the Bush administration but my hatred for Arsenal makes me believe that the story is true.

In his defense, Titi did call her three days later to see if she was ok. He's like school on a Saturday.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Another Reason DP Is Wrong


I don't care what anyone says about it. Watching or participating in DP isn't right for what should be obvious reasons. 100% Injury Rate has another reason that's not so obvious. Don't worry, it's SFW.

The Coup De Grâce

Best! Yeah! Enjoy your favorite French Open players doing karaoke.



Nadal without his unitard and manpris? I'm not sure which way is up or down anymore. What I don't know makes me nervous.

Has Freddy Adu Saved Himself?


Unquestionably, Freddy Adu had a great Under-20 World Cup. He was one of the reasons the US advanced to the quarterfinals along with several other US players like Altidore, Zizzo and Seitz. Does this mean he's on his way out of purgatory and back on the path to potential European success? It may if Celtic have anything to say about it.

Adu's agent claims that Celtic representatives are coming to the US to discuss a possible move to Parkhead. European club interest has increased after his performance in the World Cup.

Adu claims that he's finally playing his proper position and that's why he blew up in Canada. I won't speculate on that or whether success at the under-20 level will result in success overseas but I will say that if he has an opportunity to move abroad, he needs to do it now before he turns into a "should have been". The proper training and competition will allow him and everyone else to see whether he is a wunderkind. We don't think so but then again he doesn't have to be a star. No one would call Brian McBride or Brad Friedel superstars but their European experience has made them better players, invaluable members of their respective club teams and better contributors to the USMNT.

There has to be a better name for the senior team. Actually US Soccer should replace the senior team with the under-20 team. There was more heart and creativity than I've ever seen at the senior level besides 2002. You watch that, Landycakes?

P.S. There is a rumor that Nigeria international Jay Jay Okocha could be moving to Real Salt Lake. I haven't seen any confirmation of this but it would be a great pickup for them. If he's willing to move to Qatar, he'll move to SLC. Talk about two extremes. No thanks to both places.

The Aberdeen Shakedown


Say it ain't so, Cal. Ripping off your hometown? I thought you could do no wrong ... besides staying in the league too long and keeping the Orioles from moving on because you wanted to beat some record. That's not selfish. Neither is bending over your hometown while you make a profit at its expense.

Ripken's team the Aberdeen IronBirds have sold out every game since they began playing in 2002. They have sponsors out the ass and a successful baseball academy yet the city of Aberdeen hemorrhages money like the Iraqi Treasury.
The Harford County community owes $6.7 million in stadium-related debt, and millions in interest, on a payment schedule stretching to 2022. The city's stadium fund has posted operating losses that total more than $1 million since 2001, forcing Aberdeen to dip into its treasury.
Admittedly, most of the blame lies with Aberdeen for "negotiating" a moronic deal with Ripken Baseball which saw it give up a majority of the revenue from the venture. City officials thought they could make up the money in other ways but none of them have generated funds. The city has attempted to renegotiate in order to have Ripken Baseball pay more of the costs but talks are at an impasse.

It's clear that Aberdeen, in its efforts to close the deal, was in over its head and made some terrible decisions such as contributing $4M when its general fund budget was $7.6M.
Most minor-league stadiums are owned by larger jurisdictions that can spread the costs over bigger budgets ... Aberdeen's deal lacked such safeguards, and the city shouldered an additional burden by agreeing to provide land for the academy and an entertainment center.
The deal was negotiated by the previous administration which of course has defended it. Current mayor S. Fred Simmons expressed concerns before he became mayor while on the board that oversees the stadium but the complex was a done deal at that point in 2005.

The whole situation has turned into a fiasco. Ripken has made noises about working out a solution with Aberdeen but so far nothing has changed. One can say that it's Aberdeen's fault that they negotiated a crap deal when other municipalities such as Prince Georges and Charles counties made sure there were safeguards in their stadium deals to spread the pain. However it does seem strange that Ripken with his strong ties to the community wouldn't be willing to share more of the burden. Ripken Baseball is a business and shouldn't be a charity but if the venture is sucking the city dry, it should find a way to find a more equitable way to spread the pain while still making a profit.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

It May Not Be A Sport Yet But...

I dont care...this made me laugh. For lack of anything better to post on Saturday, enjoy this little bit of lazy posting by Chimpanzee Rage.



Guy Kicks Self In Testicles - video powered by Metacafe

Friday, July 13, 2007

Jim Rice Bumbaye

What would you say if I told you there was a place where Pumpsie Green, Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, Jim Rice and other black Red Sox players past and present could finally get their props? Would you say, "No! Surely you jest!"? Would you ask where? Roxbury? Hartford? Martha's Vineyard? Naw dawg. The Motherland.
Thanks to a former Bangor High School tennis player with a thing for baseball, the borders of Red Sox Nation have expanded even more.
They expanded into Burkina Faso like the Belgians into the Congo or the Portuguese into Angola.

Peace Corps volunteer Josh Yardley went to Africa because "he didn't know what to do with his degree" like everyone else. Instead of going to find himself and stall entry into the real world like other Peace Corps volunteers, he took it upon himself to indoctrinate the people of Burkina Faso like a Scottish Presbyterian missionary.

Instead of being upfront about his motives, Yardley used deceit and trickery meet his ends. He started off by painting the Red Sox logo on the side of his hut and soon people came and started asking about it. I'm sure he started withholding food and medicine until villagers could recite the 2004 World Series winning roster from memory.
If the Red Sox helped Yardley get his foot in the door, he returned the favor by preaching Red Sox lore, legend and loyalty to the Bomborokuy natives, whose curiosity had been piqued by the man they named Wendpanga, which Yardley said roughly translates into "The Force of God"
They were primitive and backwards with soccer and political logos on their houses and flesh. They soon forgot their old ways and their old sports. They began fighting with each other, adopting horrible Boston accents, and praying to a picture of Carl Yastremski eating a wicked large grinder. Neo-colonialism at its worst.
"In my village, I definitely converted some people..."

"...Maybe I didn't take a lot of Yankee shirts off the market, but I did get rid of a few."

"He was also the coach for our village's soccer team and they won the championship for the entire region this past season," Yardley said. "I don't know what they were before, but he told me they changed their name to the Bambiroqui Red Sox."
It's unlikely Yardley told them about the quota system or black players not getting invitations to Elk dinners.

"Have you forgotten that once we were brought here we were robbed of our name, robbed of our language? We lost our religion, our culture, our God - and many of us by the way we acted, we even lost our minds."

Only Rickey Henderson can save the people of Bomborokuy before they fall too far into the abyss.

Click Clack!

I know you hear me coming! You know Tim Floyd is telling USC's football coach Pete Carroll to sign this little kid to a scholarship right away. Kid is SICK! He's got moves that most NFL'ers only HOPE to have...and he looks to be about 12! Get on that shit, yo! He makes that Under Armor kid look like a punk! CLICK CLACK!!!!

Cody's runs

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

Thursday's Random Video Of Horrific Violence

I haven't posted one of these in awhile, so because the past few days have been so damn slow, with hardly any sporting events taking place, I figure its time to bring back this old staple. This Thursday's Random Video of Horrific Violence is a guy shooting himself in the head accidentally after firing a .50 cal gun and it ricochets back at him...nailing him in the head. Just so you know before you watch, the guy is ok, and is more surprised than anything...no blood is seen...its just pretty damn funny hearing it.

The "What The Hell, I Can't Get More Fucked Up!" Games

The eXtremity Games are to be held July 18th - 21st in lovely Orlando, Florida and the Deuce could not be more excited to watch a bunch of people already missing limbs to be participating in Xtreme sports. I mean, there will no longer be that awkward period of silence that occurs when a skateboarder lands his 50-50 grind badly thereby fracturing his leg in several places because, well, he won't have a friggin leg anyway! That was a fake leg! HAHAHAHA! We can all laugh about it and move on!

The events at this year's eXtremity Games are:
BMX and Mountain Biking
Kayaking
Moto-X
Rock Climbing
Skateboarding
Surfing
Wakeboarding

All events have prize pools of $1,500, $750, $250 for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place, but these are awarded only to the most difficult of divisions...the rest are shit out of luck and get one of the equivocal "non cash prizes". Lets hope it is new limbs for the guy that fucks up his Backflip One-Handed Nac-Nac during Moto-X 'cause lemme tell ya, he's gonna need it.

Altogether, the Deuce supports giving crips gimps handicapped "handicapable" people their own eXtreme games and events. Seriously, everyone else has them, why the hell can't they? It really cannot be worse than National eXtreme Baseball.

Link to the eXtremity Games