Thursday, May 31, 2007

Japanese Baseball Is Turned Up To Eleven

I cannot even describe how unfathomably violent this Japanese baseball commercial is...


I mean, what is the best part of this heavenly bit of digital awesomeness? I gotta believe the part where the pitchers finger tips rip right off is about the greatest thing i've seen on a screen. Can you imagine how many complaints the FCC would get on this amazing commercial if it were shown here in the states? Oh, right, we here don't care about violence, just don't show nipple.

Update: WithLeather has informed me this was on Deadspin a year ago and i missed it! How i have no idea...but i am keeping it here b/c it is so utterly brilliant

Update 2: Here's Deadspin's link. It only had 39 comments and 172 views? Whats up with that, how did everyone sleep on this video?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Fastest Knockout I've Seen

I feel like we've been going a little knockout crazy here on the Deuce, but I also feel like this one is just begging to be posted. You see my dilemma. This might just be the standard for which knockouts must attain to be posted...just insane.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

That's A Three Minute Personal

Ah the good old days of middle and high school lacrosse. I remember going to pick out equipment at Lax World in Kenilworth Plaza like it was yesterday. Trying on new helmets. Trying on gloves and putting them through the paces by holding a stick, trying a few moves and "gloving" the stock boy. I miss the good old days.

Players at Dublin Coffman High School in Dublin, OH are very familiar with the persuasive and quite effective gloving technique. Ex-assistant coaches Greg Simpson and Dustin Pentz were charged with rape for an incident during a team trip in 2006.

Simpson allegedly held a player down while Pentz "inserted his gloved fingers into the athlete's rectum".
According to the players' statements, Greg Simpson told them that he had "invented" the glove and Pentz said that "he was a changed man after ... he had been gloved."
A lawsuit alleges that "Pentz, 26, and Greg Simpson, 28, participated in "glove" assaults as students at Dublin Scioto High School during the 1990s".
... Both [former head coach] Brian and [former volunteer coach] Frank Simpson testified that they did not know about the reported assault until school officials told them three weeks later.

But an 18-year-old who was on the team told police that Brian Simpson referred to the incident hours after it is said to have occurred. He said Simpson warned him that the student who said he had been assaulted would get "the glove again" if he did not return to his hotel room at curfew.

A 17-year-old teammate said he heard Pentz tell Brian Simpson, "Hey, B, I got three fingers in him" immediately after the incident.
Brian Simpson was acquitted of witness intimidation earlier this year while his father Frank Simpson, a volunteer coach, was "found guilty of the same charge for pressuring the player to recant his sexual-assault claim during a meeting with the team".

Oh it gets better.
And the day or evening after the incident, the players, including the one Pentz is accused of raping, broke into the coaches' hotel room and threatened to "glove" Pentz, according to the witness statements.

"There was a posse of the players that showed up with face paint and a glove of their own," Pentz's attorney, Karl Schneider said. "That's a bizarre response."

According to the statements, the players opened the coaches' hotel room with a key, but Greg Simpson blocked them from entering.
Did we mention that Greg Simpson is Brian Simpson's brother? Now that's one for all and all for one. Five personal fouls in one game means ejection. You gotta give one for each finger and the guilty conviction so they're playing with fire.

If Marvin Lewis wants to put an end to the Bengals' criminal ways, he might do himself a favor by dropping the claims of a c-o-n-spiracy and listening to the Simpsons.


*Pictured above: STX G-Force Glove. The choice of glovers worldwide.

**Congratulations to Johns Hopkins for beating Duke in the NCAA Men's Lacrosse National Championship Game and maintaining Bawlmer's honor as the capital of lacrosse.

I Missed The Bus

The Champions League final may be last week's news but one should never pass up an opportunity to mock Liverpool.

For those of you not in the know, AC Milan are the champions of Europe. Imagine the Bears putting "Miami Winners 2007, Chicago Bears Super Bowl Champions" on a bus.

The bus was probably stolen anyway.

Don't get mad at us, Scouser. Blame Tubby Benitez for fielding a crap team. A team full of donkeys won't beat AC Milan on any day. Switching Crouch out of the starting lineup fooled Ancelotti real good.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down, Part Deux

It's never a good idea to go for the balls during a sporting event where hitting is encouraged and required.


Gold Coast center Brett Delaney found out the hard way after grabbing South Sidney's Jaiman Lowe's balls during a match last week. If you're gonna pull a move like that, you better make sure you keep a man down. If you don't, this could happen to you.



Of course, Delaney denied the ball massage.
"No way," he said. In a tackle you don't let go of someone when you grab them. I can't remember if I did have him [by the testicles], but it wasn't intentional."

"It might have been in that region, but I don't go out to try and rip blokes' balls off. I just can't really remember what happened, to be honest. I think I had him on the shorts, and then I got knocked out. It's all a bit of a blur."

"When I touched his balls, I was in ecstasy so you can imagine it's very hard to stay focused or know what you're doing."
Ok, maybe he didn't say that last part. The blur was from getting his arse handed to him in a sack by Lowe. Delaney said he was still suffering from headaches and the sweats. He also required 10 stitches to close a "gaping wound" above his lip. Good.
"It was one of those things. He probably thought something went on, but it was nothing intentional, I'll tell you that - especially at that time of the game. We were under the pump a bit. It was just a normal tackle, mate."
Ain't nuthin' normal about that tackle. Delaney was on that pump like a farmer on a milk cow. He's lucky he didn't get stomped but some men have honor unlike him and Bill Romanowski.

Genocide: Just Do It


Say it ain't so, Bron Bron. Who thought LeBron James would end up supporting Sudanese president al-Bashir and the evil Janjaweed?

James refused to sign an open letter to the Chinese government written by fellow Cav Ira Newble protesting China's role in the Darfur genocide. Damon Jones didn't sign it either because he said he didn't have enough information about the matter but James refused to comment. Guess the Sudanese buy shoes too.

Check this pic of Ira. I haven't had this feeling since I found out that Troy O'Leary is black and Khalil Green is white.

You Want Some Of This, Lil' Baby?

In keeping with our Memorial Day theme and general apathy towards writing this weekend, here's a baby learning about Beat Street the hard way in Times Square.



Ramon!!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

You Got Knocked The F**K Out

Chimp Rage and I spent a devastating Saturday honoring our nation's heros at Local 138 on New York's Lower East Side. It's only fair that we allow you to celebrate Memorial Day with us. Salute and respect the red, white and blue like this female Tyson.



She hits like a fucking mule.

Speaking of getting knocked the fuck out, it looks like Johnny Drama should have taken up Chuck Liddell's challenge.



I'll take Miss Tyson over Chuck in the first round.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Zen and the Art of Chin-Ups

This man is more in shape than you. The real question is, how many chins are in this Korean video?

Chin-ups! Chin-ups i meant!!!!

Christ...i need a vacation. Its memorial day weekend, time to take time off for a few days. There may be more posts by mustafa or trapper, but dont expect too much if anything.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Dirty Thieving Scousers

Ahh morning in Athens before the Champions League final.


Milan might want to keep a 24 hour guard on that Champions League trophy or it might find its way to Liverpool.

Then again it's already in the hands of a master thief.


That's a long way to travel for a gyro, Liverpool.

Clinton Portis Condones Baby & Cobra Deathmatch

2 creatures enter, 1 creature leaves!!!


Portis later said "I don't know if he was fighting cobras and babies or not, but it's his property, it's his baby. If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business. I think there's bigger issues in the world and in life than babies fighting cobras on your own property," and then said, "Hunting is legal."

Opened Punching Bag Reveals Dirty Laundry

No, not the soul of black country, ACTUAL dirty laundry! A man and his son were moving their heavy bag downstairs and they wanted to see what was inside it in case the bag was going to somehow leak in this process . Much to their surprise they found this:


The entire heavy bag was filled with dirty laundry...WLWT.com, Cincinnati is on the case talking to the victim, Joe Heckel:
(There were) bras, thongs and bathing suits. We could not believe there were clothes inside instead of sand," he said. Heckel said the smell was "bad, real bad."
Since this is in Cincinnati, one must automatically think that a Bengal is at fault here. But which one??? Thank GOD our best friend Najeh Davenport is nowhere near the Cincinnati area. If he had anything to do with this laundry fiasco...things coulda smelled even worse.

More pictures of the mess below:













Photos by Joe Heckel, story from WLWT

You know you got hit hard...

...when you are still boxing after getting knocked the F&#% out! Holy shit he got hit hard, this is definitely keeping up with our Thursday "Random Video of Horrific Violence" theme day. If i am hearing it correctly, Simon Brown is playing the role of "Unconscious, Yet Still Creepily Punching The Air Around Him, Boxer No.1" in this video.

Ghost Fighting - Funny blooper videos are here


As always the video's comments section is full of nuggets to share:
"Its sport, wonderful spirit of sportsmen"
"Brain damage? What brain damage?"
"30 years he'll be standing on a street corner performing that same routine..."
"Looks like he's in heaven"
"how can you tell a real fighter? he fights even in his sleep! nighty night!"
"At least he went down swinging!!!"

Matt Leinart Needs To Improve His Standards

Being a high-profile NFL quarterback doesn't just mean you play well on the field. You got to roll like one off the field like Golden Boy Tom Brady. Sports by Brooks got pictures from Leinart's 24th birthday celebration in AZ.

As you might imagine, ballers were in attendance.

Nice to see MC Ren out in public again.

The party moved from the Mondrian Scottsdale to Skybar where Leiny got a little touchy feely with...

Yo playboy, you gotta roll better than that. It looks like he got those girls from NJGuido.com. Tom Brady, Sex Cannon and MC Brains need to sit him down and 'splain a few things to him. He goes from knocking up a college girl to a herpes-infested chickenhead to this. This does not inspire confidence. This cannot bode well for the Cardinals upcoming season.

P.S. Speaking of MC Brains, whatever happened to Sudden Impact otherwise known as Whytgize?

Monday, May 21, 2007

There Are No Words



Thanks (?) to Fark.com.

Michael Jordan's Sons Like To Party

We here at the Deuce love women and booze...but apparently not as much as Michael Jordan's boys.

Yea thats Mike's 16 year old boy there passed out in his own puke. Mediatakeout.com has somehow gotten a hold of wonderful photos of these underage lads enjoying the fruits of their father's labor...and a lot of booze. They are underage and OUT OF CONTROL! Its Jordans GONE WILD!!! Click on over to their page for more photos such as this one. OR

Pictures from MediaTakeOut.com

The Next Sport To Interrupt the NHL Playoffs


NBC Sports might just be preparing to show this next weekend so they can interrupt another NHL Playoff overtime hockey game. People sound more psyched about this than the recent Preakness, it should do well for them in the ratings department. Judging from the video, it is true that if you put enough alcohol in people, all events are more fun. At least they aren't having the turtles battle it out to the death like some people like to have animals do. Of course if you did want to see a turtle death-match, it would prove to be very thrilling as you can see below...very thrilling.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Where My Dogs At


Yesterday the Deuce brought you the story of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho holding it down for his dog, Gullit. He was willing to go to jail for his dog and like Henry Hill, he didn't snitch. Paulie, The Lox, a Yorkshire Terrier, whatever. You think it don't be like it is but it do.

Mourinho took one for the team but now Gullit is missing and Paddy Power is offering a reward for his safe return. They're offering £500 for his return but it's not a cash prize. The £500 is good towards a "free bet on Chelsea winning the FA Cup Final".
At odds of 17/10 on Chelsea winning the FA Cup the £500 stake could be boosted to £1350 for the dog-finder.
Paddy Power is not only offering a reward but they're also offering odds on where Gullit will be found.
Where Will The Mourinho’s Terrier Be Found?

4/1 On the Kings Road
8/1 Inside Jose’s manbag
10/1 Battersea Dog’s Home
12/1 Stamford Bridge
12/1 Paddy Power’s Kings Road shop
14/1 Chelsea’s training ground in Cobham
25/1 Wembley
50/1 Wimbledon dog track
80/1 At Huddersfield Town’s Galpharm Stadium – Home of The Terriers
100/1 In the boot of Roman Abramovich’s car
100/1 In Alex Ferguson’s office
250/1 Playing with the Queen’s corgis at Buckingham Palace
500/1 London Zoo
500/1 Isle of Dogs
500/1 In a Damien Hirst exhibition
1000/1 In The FA Cup on Cup Final Day

This could be one of the most brilliant betting scenarios laid out in recent history.

Since we alluded to it...



Can the Nationals Help Beleaguered DC Schools?


I found something interesting while reading the comments of one of the best Washington Nationals blogs out there Captiol Punishment. There is a "proposal" for the Ted Lerner, principal owner of the Nationals, who since the Nats are tanking the season as it is and since attendance has fallen below last years average, to donate every dollar from ticket sales above last year's average attendance mark to the DC Public School System. Here's the idea:
Last year the Washington Nationals drew an average of 26,582 fans to each game at RFK; this season, without stars like Alfonso Soriano in the house, we may do worse. Although we anticipate staring at a sea of empty seats at RFK this summer, all is not lost. Maybe there’s another way to win this year. To that end, I hereby make the following pledge to Nationals fans and to the people of the Washington area: For the remainder of the 2007 baseball season, the revenue from the first 26,582 tickets sold for each home game belongs to the Nationals. But every dollar from every ticket sold thereafter will be deposited in a trust dedicated to rebuilding and reviving the DC school system.

In other words: As the city builds the Nationals a beautiful new ballpark, the Nationals will give something back by helping to improve the lives of children in DC whose schools are falling apart. It’s a way for you, and for millions of fans across the region, to send a message—in word and deed—to young people and families in the city’s neediest areas: You are not alone.
Interesting huh? No chance this version of the proposal goes through, slight if any chance that any version of this proposal gets accepted by the team, but if the Nat's did surrender a percentage of sales revenue past the 26,582 for help with the school system this would be an fun way to do a couple of things. 1) The Nationals would develop a ton of goodwill with a city that is divided over having to pay for a stadium thus becoming more a part of the community since they haven't done much else for the people of DC than add brisket to the menu at RFK (well ok, a little more); 2) They could fill a very empty stadium a bit more because people would know that instead of lining the pockets of the already rich owners while watching a farce of a Major League team play sub .375 baseball, they too would be giving back to the community. If the team sucks, that is not an incentive to go, giving back to the community while watching a game, might be enough for some. Everyone wins!

I kinda like it...although Kasten probably would rather spend this money towards more player development for "THE PLAN"©®. We shall see where this leads.

Full text of the proposal at Thiscouldbetheyear.net

Thursday apparently is random videos of horrific violence day...

If you saw our first post today, you'll know what I am talking about. Well here's another. Here is a best of compilation of the worst of violent kicks, sucker punches, and fights in soccer caught on video...all set to the song "Kung-Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas. I haven't seen this many broken bones since LT's Joe Theisman leg breaking incident was repeatedly replayed. This is so violent I half expected a curb stomp to somehow take place around the 2 minute mark. The music, however, makes the glorious violence so tolerable.

You Should Probably Stop Eating



Bitch. I would have taken that like a man.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ronaldo's Escort Service

The Premiership season may be over but that doesn't mean the Deuce stops bringing you news from the world of football that you crave like Pookie craves the pipe. The Deuce is happy to oblige. You may be sorry.

Strangé! Strangé!

You go, Ronny! You just won the Premiership. There's nothing for you to do now but sashay!

68,000 screaming fans are waiting for you and the rest of the team to claim your medals and trophy but you have to wait because someone decides their hair isn't perfect.

Cristiano Ronaldo held up celebrations at Old Trafford last Sunday because he needed time to fix his hair.
An Old Trafford source said: “Ronny was more concerned with the state of his hair.

“He was in front of the mirror, as usual, taking an age to slick back his hair.

“Some of the backroom lads joked they’d have to come back on Monday to collect their medals!”
Well after all, preening yourself before you walk out in the rain after a match is really going to make a difference. Maybe he had to make some other adjustments like...I don't know...a tennis ball or something.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

The saga of Joey Barton just keeps getting better. He should have learned from Ronnie Biggs, gone to Brazil and impregnated some lucky lady instead of going to the Algarve and returning to England.

Barton was arrested and released on bail for his training pitch attack on Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo.

This isn't Joey's first run-in with the law. In case you're unfamiliar with Joey's past, we ran down the rap sheet a couple weeks ago.

If he ends up going to prison, maybe he can share a cell with his friendly brother, Michael.


Wazza Wazza Wazza


Why three times? Because Wayne Rooney's attending three weddings in one day. He may not be scoring for his country but he knows how to score free buffets and open bars.

Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick and Gary Neville are getting married on the same day. Most people would pick one and send their regrets to the other two but not Mr. Rooney. Three weddings. So many mothers. So many cougars. Rawr!

Oh yeah, Stevie G's throwing a
£500,000 wedding and he's serving up fish and chips, mashed potatoes, curry, trifle and bacon sarnies to be made available. What the fuck are trifle and bacon sarnies? Well bacon's involved so it can't be that bad. It's great when the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) get involved.
“Alex (Stevie's fiancee) has even stipulated the chips are to be ‘fat chips and not fries’. It must be a taste thing.”
You're practically royalty, sweet tits.


Hulk No Like Relegation Or No Pay

Wow. This has been a bitchy roundup. I'm not sure why but let's try to move on and close out strong like Alfonso Alfonseca (Dominican for base hit). Umm, never mind.

This Carlos Tevez situation has taken on a life of its own. Wigan, Charlton, Fulham and Sheffield United appeared to be slowing down in their quest to sue the Premier League over West Ham's acquisition of Carlos Tevez and their subsequent survival at their expense. Of course, one can say that even if Tevez was used illegally Charlton, Wigan and Sheffield United didn't do what they had to do.

Since the last weekend of the season (three days ago), Sepp Blatter and FIFA have gotten involved and promised an investigation of why West Ham didn't have points deducted from their total after being found guilty of breaking Premiership rules. Ah Sepp, the George Mitchell of football. Bringing honor and integrity back to the game. Why don't they put Don King on the case while they're at it?

Now the Guardian reports that West Ham stands to profit millions when Tevez is sold due to paperwork shenanigans.
...The only document relating to West Ham that remains legally enforceable from the complicated sheaf of paperwork that dictated the terms of Tevez's arrival in London last August is his playing contract. That means he is West Ham's player and that the club alone would be due any fee from his sale.

The offshore companies are understood to retain commercial contracts with the Argentinian player. These would permit the companies to sue for damages in a commercial court if West Ham refused to pay them a consideration for any transfer fee they received - and with Real Madrid linked with a £30m bid for Tevez, that could be considerable.

Such contracts between the player and third-party companies are perfectly legal under the Premier League rule U18 that led to £3m of the £5.5m fines imposed on West Ham last month. This is because the rule governs the conduct of clubs, not of players.

In any case, third-party contracts governing players' image rights and so-called "escape clauses" allowing certain bids to trigger a player's release are commonplace in the Premiership. Beyond national borders, the involvement of third-party companies in player ownership is widespread.
If the relegated teams are mad about the loss of Premiership tv money, they'll be livid if this plays out and West Ham pockets a huge chunk of a possible £30m.

This is a debacle and it's not surprising that the Premier League dropped the ball. If the third party contract was illegal, West Ham should have been docked points for every game Tevez played. How does a fine rectify the situation? They still benefit from his contributions as could be seen on Sunday when his goal saved them from relegation. Their win against Manchester United condemned another team to Championship football and the loss of tv money after the balloon payment.

The Premier League abdicated their duty to do the right thing. It's not surprising considering how cowardly and inept the FA is when it comes to footballing matters.

Whoop Whoop That's The Sound Of The Police


The sound of the beast was Jose Mourinho's Yorkshire Terrier biting some bobby's ankles. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was arrested last night after he prevented police from taking his dog.

Mourinho's wife Tami called him home from the Chelsea Player of the Year awards ceremony. When he got home, he "refused to let police take the dog and got into an argument with officers". He was arrested and released with a caution for obstructing police.

"Officer were concerned the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without the required jabs."

Finally the police felt the fury that Graham Poll and fourth officials have experienced ever since Jose came to the Premiership. Only if they could have him arrested...

From Bog TV- Polo Invades VA


I haven't seen this many rich white people together outside in a grass field since Phish last came to town. It is, however, quite an interesting cross-section of people interviewed by Dan Steinberg for this Polo event in Virginia. You've got the host/producer of America's Most Wanted, John Walsh, you've got a member of Journey, you've got Al Saunders, the Redskins offensive coordinator and the head of the Ritz Carlton hotels, Simon Cooper all talking up how great a sport POLO is. It must be thrilling if this live by the edge, EXTREME group of older gentlemen think its the most exciting sport this side of Xtreme Baseball!

I personally think the highlight of the video is the US polo alternate, Joe Muldoon, who looks like he should be closing some gigantic merger tomorrow or something. That or Steinberg's laugh at about 2:25 to 2:40. We love ya Dan!

Thanks to Littlefield at The Dude Abides for the link

Fear The Turtle Of Illiteracy

Things are amiss in Garyland. The men's basketball team has a weakness for academic failure like Pacman does for strip clubs.

The Baltimore Sun reports that Maryland is in danger of losing two scholarships if its Academic Progess Rate doesn't improve next season. Two out of six seniors are not graduating on time and "if one or both of those players don't graduate by the end of the summer, and the team's four-year average is again under the 925 cut score, the program could lose 10 percent of the total allotment of 13 scholarships". The Terps currently have a three-year average of 908.

While this isn't a Cincinnati/Huggy Bear-type situation, this is a matter of some concern as Maryland men's basketball academics have been dicey for quite some time.
The APR is a formula developed by the NCAA to provide a real-time gauge of how many athletes are staying in school, staying eligible and graduating. The best score is 1,000.

Nationally, teams from historically black schools and colleges affected by Hurricane Katrina did not fare well. About 13 percent of the schools that received warning letters or could lose scholarships were predominantly black colleges and universities.

As long as teams are above 900 and do not lose an ineligible student from the university, they will not lose scholarships. If teams fall below 900, they will receive a letter of "public notice."

If teams fall below 900 a second straight year, it could lead to scholarship losses and reductions in practice and playing time. Third-year penalties would restrict postseason competition, and four straight years of poor academic performance would result in restricted Division I membership for the entire athletic department.

Teams can earn bonus points if an athlete returns to school to complete his degree, and Goff said Maryland expects at least one former athlete to do that.
It seems a bit cruel to penalize schools affected by Hurrican Katrina. The only other men's basketball teams in the ACC that need improvement are Virginia and Clemson. Rage, what's up with your boys? Ralph Sampson and Mustapha Farrakhan must be furious.

Good to see Maryland is keeping track of their former players even though it's a backdoor way to get their APR up. Maybe more players will be inspired by Pacman going back to WVU to get his degree in Astrophysics. I'm looking at you, Stevie Franchise.

This Time It Counts


Move over, David Falk. There's a new bred of prey coming over the horizon. It goes by the name of Scott Boras. Mr. Tony should focus his disgust on Boras for attempting to further ruin America's former pastime.

Boras has appointed himself to a one-man blue ribbon commission to save the game of baseball. He reported his findings in a letter to MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. The letter was delivered by client Rick Ankiel but it didn't get to Selig when expected as Ankiel delivered the letter two blocks away. Just a bit outside if you will.

Among his brilliant recommendations, Boras suggested making the World Series a best-of-nine series and playing the first two games over a weekend at a neutral site "to create an atmosphere similar to a Super Bowl". He didn't stop there. MLB should also use that weekend to hand out annual awards at an Oscar-like show.
"We have to have the stars of our game noticed," said Boras, who has sent a letter to commissioner Bud Selig about his idea. "To deliver the awards through a wire service, I've never understood that."

The Super Bowl is played at a predetermined neutral site and has become a magnet for business entertaining. "The key to this is the business dynamic," said Boras, 54. "We need to embrace corporate America."
Boras has a point. If there's one entity that professional sports has left out in the rain like a freezing, homeless child, it's corporate America. There, there. There, there. Why don't you come inside, dry off and we'll make you a hot cup of soup. Hey what's the knife about? For the love of chicken gravy, why are you stabbing me??

There's nothing America wants more than to hear players mumble their thanks into a mike or listen to some blowhard like Curt Schilling wax poetic about bloody ankles, Barry Bonds or how it's American to put Gold Bond on your balls during the summer. Then again I'd tune in to see Lastings Milledge read his lines off a teleprompter and invite everyone to be his friend on MySpace. Maybe Will the Thrill and Boogaloo Shrimp or Zack Attack could enthrall us between presentations. It's a nice idea.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Tom Brady Swears When Golfing


There have been many dorky photos of Tom in his sweater/shirt outfit playing at the Pebble Beach open this past February, but some enterprising Youtuber caught Brady swearing on live television after making par, while walking away looking like someone shoved a golf club up his ass. The more you hear about him ladies, the more chinks in the armor appear...maybe if Giselle pays enough attention to us bloggers we can have a chance at HER! Ok, maybe not...(GOD it is worth it to click & see it full size)

Thanks to
Uber's Top 10 F-bomb videos for the link

Manute Bol: Where Are You Now?

Well on May 14th he apparently was standing at the security line of Oakland airport like most other people trying to flee Oakland as quick as they humanly can. I'm glad Manute sill has some cash left for a fly suit after giving away most his NBA riches to Sudanese refugees, that makes me feel good. Its also interesting to see that Mr. Bol travels light. He's got not a single carry-on bag there. Its a wonder good ole Abe Polin of the Wizards doesn't have him under his employ still? He has some other really tall guy working for him, why not two? Who was that guy again? Ah, i dunno. Anyway, I wonder who Manute's flight crew is?Thanks to Weapon Shaped forums for this find. Manute Bol photo by BillyB No3

New From The Eastern Bloc!!

Ladder Racing...



The Deuce has brought you Xtreme Baseball, Dwarf Tossing, Beer Pong, Rock Paper Scissors, The Idiotarod, IFL vs UFL and now we bring you LADDER RACING.

I like two things about this video thats been going around the interwebs for a bit. One, that starter pistol doesn't sound like a starter pistol at all. Sounds like a damn AK-47 was just shot. It looks and sounds more like they're running away from a firing squad. I wonder if the losers actually gets gunned down by that thing. For all we know, these could be prisoners of the GULAG running for their freedom. I'd want to win as well.

Two, the "announcer" of the event has positively the most monotone, robotic voice I have ever heard. It's just like I would expect some Soviet nuclear submarine commander would sound like over the ship's loudspeaker when he was slowly barking out instructions on our bearing and depth. Its a wonder the crowd is even slightly enthused with that guy MC'ing the affair. I wonder if the actual translation is something like "You will climb this ladder...or you will die. Climb or die. It is your choice. Only one will live." Chilling really...

Headline Of The Month

I feel a little like Jay Leno with this but, whatever, this headline is worth it:

Read all about tasting some Colon from WSOCTV.com here

Monday, May 14, 2007

Jazz Hates Black People


It's always tragic when a child turns his or her back on a parent or when the student becomes the teacher and stabs the teacher in the back. First jazz moves from New Orleans to Utah and now its fans are being accused of racially insulting black players.

Stephen Jackson and Jason Richardson alleged that Jazz fans yelled racial insults at them during their Game 2 loss to the Jazz in Salt Lake City. KUTV in Salt Lake City reported on the story and got reactions from Jazz fans. Most vehemently denied that it could have happened with the overwhelming opinion being that Jazz fans aren't racist and the Warriors were just mad that they were down in the series.

"I like Bryant Gumbel and that nice negro boy from Whose Line Is It Anyway."

Now we don't know what happened because we weren't there but how can one state that nothing happened if one wasn't witness to said incident? Then again we shouldn't be surprised to hear Jazz fans claim they aren't racist. They've enough bad publicity as it is. First the Mormons use Mitt Romney to pick a fight with Rev. Al Sharpton and then white golf balls attack Real Salt Lake ex-wunderkid Freddy Adu on the gold course.

Where are you when we need you, Rodney King?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

All hail the Incredible Hulk. Savior of West Pork.

Relegation weekend. It's probably the greatest weekend in the Premiership next to the one where your team wins the league. If you're not a Manchester United, Chelsea or Arsenal fan, you have no idea what we're talking about unless you're a fan of a team that narrowly escapes relegation.

That's right, Liverfool. You've never seen Gerrard win the league.

Irony of ironies. West Ham celebrates safety at Old Trafford on the same day and at the same place where United lifts the Premiership trophy. Both teams jubilant and on opposite ends of the table. Promotion and relegation are part of what makes football the beautiful game.

Let's bid a fond farewell to Charlton, Sheffield United and Watford. We hardly know ye. We're sure former director and chairman of Watford Elton John is rewriting Candle in the Wind for Aidy Boothroyd.

UPDATE


Fat Freddy probably should have taken up the theiving Scousers on that Michael Owen offer.

Michael Bolton Hates Your Freedom

This clip is about a year old but it's new to us.



Thanks to Maniac World and Fark for the video.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Introducing The Next GM Of The Orioles


At least chimps are funny. Consul the Chimp could do just as good a job as Jim Duquette and Mike Flanagan. Flanagan is quickly losing the cred he built as a player. Eddie Murray, Tippy Martinez and John Lowenstein must be livid. It may be time for an intervention.

The pitching staff has been decimated by injuries. Adam Loewen is out for over eight weeks with a stress fracture in his elbow. Jaret Wright is also on the DL with a case of suck. His father says he may never pitch again. While you never want to see someone go out with a career-ending injury, it is somewhat comforting to know that there's a chance he won't pitch for the Orioles again. Hopefully he'll be able to come back and "help" another team.

Anyway, Hayden Penn hurt himself down in the minors so the Orioles have been forced to make a deal in order to acquire a starting pitcher. They're looking at several mediocre pitchers but one name almost caused me to bleed out of my ears.

Chan. Ho. Park.

If the Orioles sign him, we're done. Over. This is forever shit we're talkin' bout. I'll quit them but first I'll go down to Camden Yards and put Peter Angelos in the camel clutch. Fuck the Monkey's Paw. I want Edward Bennett Williams back. I can't take this anymore.

Mutu's Drug Mule

As the football season winds down in Europe, we wonder what we're going to do during the offseason besides join in the absurd rumormongering that goes on in the European press. You can expect nothing less from us. Here's hoping that overpaid, under-educated footballers will get themselves in stupid, embarrassing situations for our amusement.

Get Out Of My Belly

It looks like the pressure's getting to Fat Freddy Shepherd. Every good thing that happens to Newcastle seems to be followed by a corresponding cockpunch and twist. Every big name signing seems to drop as though Screwface put some bad mojo on them. The casualty list topped by Obafemi Martins, Michael Owen, Damien Duff and Scott Parker is rather impressive.

Shepherd met with former Bolton manager Big Sam Allardyce
at Claridge's in London yesterday. Allegedly an offer to manage Newcastle was made and accepted with some details yet to be worked out. Both sides agreed that they were close to an agreement that would have Big Sam take over the "big club" otherwise known as Newcastle United.

Once Shepherd has his man, he can return his focus to Owen who has a £9million buyout clause in his contract. It's rumored that he wants a return to Liverpool which he left to win silverware. he hasn't won anything while Liverpool has won the Champions League and FA Cup. Shepherd isn't too pleased about this especially as the club has stood by him through all his injury problems.



If you didn't hear Shepherd's response, he said, "I'll fucking carry him back for you...for
£9million". Solid Freddy solid. Good to see he has a sense of humor about the situation.

Thanks to Who Ate All The Pies for pointing us to the video.

Chelsea Institute Affirmative Action Plan


Noting the lack of redheads on Jose Mourinho's squad, Chelsea is close to signing Reading midfielder Steve Sidwell. Sidwell is scheduled to undergo a medical on Monday at Stamford Bridge and is being held out of Reading's final match against Blackburn tomorrow.

Oh, the back tattoo. Yeah...those are his wedding vows. Steve O's tattoo puts this soft ass shit to shame.

United Shame English Football With Weak Celebration


By the hammer of Thor, has football come to this? Gazza's liver must be turning in his torso.

Manchester United players celebrated their one-year Premiership trophy loan deal by going out on the town and running up a bar tab of....wait for it...
£8,500. Most of it went towards Cristal.
Some players carried on the party at striker Wayne Rooney's mansion in Prestbury, Cheshire.

A source said: “The lads had a great time - and even let some of the local girls join the party and enjoy the champers."
Champers?? What the fuck? Then again, they do carry manbags. No debauchery? No fights? No making it rain?

Maybe they took it easy because they didn't want to get whiskey dick before roasting the over-50 local girls Rooney invited back to his crib.

Vegas Baby


Telly Savalas will rise from his grave if the MLS follows through and finally does the right thing.

The Las Vegas Sun reports that the Las Vegas Sports and Entertainment Group is trying to bring an MLS franchise to Vegas by 2010. The group "
hopes to build a high-tech, state-of-the-art stadium with a retractable roof that will be linked with a casino."

The group would ask for no public financing and the stadium would be available for other uses besides soccer.

There's no team name but the name "Silver Spurs" is being tossed around like a dwarf. No team should have anything in common with Tottenham Hotspur. The Deuce suggests the name Hustlers. It works on so many (two) levels.

By the way, does anyone know where we can find Player's Club cards? We've looked everywhere.

Fear the Beard



If i grow a beard as lush and thick as that, will I be able to dunk over a 6'9" Russian? The answer sadly is no, but Baron Davis gives all beard growers hope by throwing down an absolutely vicious dunk over the Jazz' Andrei Kirilenko like he did last night. Hide your children, Baron is home. Tru-Wariers are now down 2-1.

Where Is Fred Smoot?


The Redskins signed Fred Smoot this offseason, bringing back to DC one of the games greatest talkers...and party throwers. But you wouldn't know it would you? You really haven't heard a peep from Smoot at all this offseason? Has one of the few personalities that we have drafted on our team finally mellowed out a bit? I hope not for the Redskins' defense's sake. Let us take this quiet time though to remember the quotes of the younger, more brash Fred Smoot. The man who actually has a web page devoted SOLEY to his quotes! Here we go:

“I like that, man, that's my job. I love to have fun. And I like to yap, so why not?”

"They might as well put us on BET, on Christmas Eve, and call it the "We Got Screwed Bowl." (on getting snubbed on a bowl at MSU)

"75 percent of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Smoot."

OR
"They say the world is covered by 3 quarters water and 1 quarter Smoot."

"If they throw me the ball, I will catch it. I missed a couple picks today, so don't tell Coach Spurrier I said that."

"I have one of the rookies carry my gear off the field every day. That's what rookies do. That's what I had to do. And that's what they're going to keep on doing. So if you want to come to the NFL, you're going to have to carry my stuff."

"Well, in Jackson (Miss.) where I'm from, they don't call it the 'Home of Fred Smoot.' So I'm wondering what's going on! " (about Brett Favre's hometown)

"My mama and I had arguments and I couldn't even fight back. But the jaw is fine. It's not a glass jaw, it's made of steel." (about his broken jaw)

"You can't get glass without it going through a lot of changes and then it comes out smooth. I am that s
mooth part right now." (about returning to DC)

"I would love to be a Viking... But I am nobody's bench rider. Fred Smoot is a starter."

"Man....most people don't even understand me when I speak English." (on learning Chinese)

"They're killing my name. Point blank. Somebody's going to have to pay for it." (on being included in the sex boat scandal...before he was charged with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct and lewd or lascivious conduct and before he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct and to being a public nuisance on a watercraft while paying a $1,000 fine, performing 48 hours of community service and had 30-day jail sentences stayed for a year. Apparently, that someone who paid was he.)


My favorite non-Fred Smoot quote:
Mike Wilbon: Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, I'm dressed like the man that says "Ho! Ho! Ho!".
Tony Kornheiser: Fred Smoot?

Get back to talkin' Fred. DC, nay, THE WHOLE WORLD needs you.

Thanks to DCSportsfan, Redskins.com, Wikipedia, and all the other websites that make this page possible *sob*

Blog Show Mentions The Deuce! AGAIN

Yes, we got on for our second time. This time for the National Xtreme Baseball post and the Robert Royal "Party Guy" post. We shall all have to celebrate over some Strongbows and wings at our local watering hole...which we'd do pretty much most nights anyway. Mottram & Steinberg, again, you have our thanks. For those of you who missed it, watch below. I'd tell you when our site appears on the Blog Show, but then you wouldn't watch all the other great sports blogs featured...at least if you are like me. Cheers!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Welcome To Bawlmer

They say imitation is the best form of flattery. There's nothing I like more than seeing my team bond off the field. Nothing builds team unity like sharing the same hobbies and activities.

Oh, you probably thought I was talking about Troy Smith. I'm talking about Steve McNair. Welcome to Charm City, Steve. It's the city that bleeds. There's no better way to show your leadership and dedication to Baltimore than picking up a magic DUI. BJ Sams and Chris McAllister took some time before they picked up on that.

You know why Ray Lewis is a team leader. Let's see Chris Henry roll like that. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Getting a DUI when you're not driving is strong.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

You're With Me, Spandex

The ESPYs got nuthin' on the Slammys. Jamie Foxx, Stuart Scott, Jeff Gordon and Chris Berman vs. Hulk Hogan, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, The Junkyard Dog (RIP) and Vince McMahon. Steel cage. No contest.



Is that Jake The Snake or Mean Gene Okerland with hair?

Here's some bonus video from last week. Guess the Iron Sheik's stand up career isn't going as well as planned.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Bent Over The Grand Concourse

Roger Clemens greets Yankees fans from George Steinbrenner's box at Yankee Stadium.

People act as though Roger Clemens is the first player to demand special treatment from his suitors. Luckily, we have ex-Mets GM Steve Phillips to enlighten us.

Steve called into the Big Show with Dan and Keith to discuss player demands during breaks from commercials and worthless local sports updates. He said that some of the more unusual demands were made by Rickey Henderson and A-Rod.

Rickey said Rickey wanted to know what award he was going to receive for breaking Babe Ruth's walks and Ty Cobb's runs scored records. Let's take liberties with the conversation between Steve and Dan since I didn't record it and I'll be damned if I'm listening to Dan whore himself for Progressive Auto Insurance for the 1000th time.
Rickey: So what does Rickey get when Rickey breaks Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb's records?

Steve: I don't know. We'll give you some crystal.

Rickey: Who's Crystal?

Steve: You know, like Tiffany's.

Rickey: Who's Tiffany?

Steve: You know it's like a piece of glass. A bowl if you will.

Rickey: No, I won't. Man, who wants a piece of glass? Rickey wants one of those things John Madden drives around in so Rickey can tour the country.
Yeah, Rickey wanted a Winnebago.

A-Rod wanted an office in Shea for his marketing guy. I'm no marketing guru but I'm pretty sure October Choke doesn't sell in Flushing no matter how you package it.

Houston manager Phil Garner also appeared on the Big Show and discussed Clemens and his special privileges. Apparently Clemens asked to stay home so he could attend his son's games yet Garner would see him playing golf in Hollywood during away trips.

Everyone on the Yankees is required to have a haircut you can set your watch to and now Clemens rolls in to pick up $28M pro-rated and he'll only travel during away trips on which he's scheduled to pitch. It's rare that I agree with or listen to anything David Wells has to say but he's spot on when he criticized Clemens.

Trapper John was good enough to remind us that Clemens demanded and was given the privilege of a daily wake-up blowjob from Brian Cashman. Rumor has it Michael Kay threw a tantrum when he learned he wouldn't be able to blow Clemens but Steinbrenner offered him the option of sucking off Scott Proctor and Doug Mientkiewicz which he happily accepted.

We can't wait until A-Rod forces Cashman to renegotiate and holds out for a posse of Thai ladyboys to service his every need.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Robert Royal Parties Like A Rock Star


Oh how us Redskins fans miss Robert Royal. Seriously, we do. I don't think we have a tight end that can catch the ball other than Cooley...besides the scrubs young talent we brought to camp. Anyway, I was up late scouring the web for porn interesting stories to blog about and I came across Robert Royal's myspace page. It is always interesting whenever sports celebrities players let us peek into a window of their lives on this social networking thing. If you're too lazy to look for yourself, here's a look into the Bills' TE life:
  • His Swagger is so right
  • His Sexual nickname is "The Purple Headed Warrior of Love"
  • His interests include 1) His Daughter; 2) Money; 3) Football; 4) Playstation 2; and judging from the dollar bills falling in his background, 5)Mo' Money
  • He does not read books
  • He does enjoy the rap music
  • He likes the ladies of allllll colors
  • He likes to take pictures...like this one
I am not one to talk about anyone's fashion sense, nor am I here to tear down a guy who is loving life without causing anyone harm but what is going on with that massive zipper from his chin to his stomach? Did he just come back from the dentist? Is it a bib built into that flashy shirt? I know the man can afford some clothes, look at that ka-ching on his wrists, but he has to let us know what is up with that shirt.

National Xtreme Baseball...ye Gods...

I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Isn't baseball Xtreme enough?" You are wrong sir...dead wrong. Watch this Youtube and see for yourself. If you've never experienced 29 people on a baseball field at once, 2 pitchers, 2 batters, and people running both ways on the basepaths...then YOU have never experienced National Xtreme Baseball.


To be honest, I dont really know what to make of this except that its wrong. Wrong like Carlos Mencia wrong. You should see some of the team names too. I mean, you cannot be Xtreme with a team called the Seattle Stars, Nashville Sparrows, or the Minnesota Miracles. That, and the lack of a DC team is appalling. Baltimore and Richmond get love? Philly and New York get love? But no DC? Just a travesty!

Really, this is not the way to make baseball "Xtreme". Just by having more people run the basepaths does not make the game more exciting. It just adds another circus ring to the one ring circus we have. Twice as much circus does not make the circus more exciting, just gives you less time to shell a peanut, get a beer, and talk with your buddies while kinda watching the game. If they really wanted to make the game better, they should've taken a page from these guys and made baseball more like this:

Blog Show Mentions The Deuce!

Sure this is a week late, but it is still a major accomplishment in our lives to be featured on television...even if its just on our local cable system. Thanks to the wonders of Youtube however, we are NATIONAL baby! Big shout out to Jamie Mottram, aka Mr. Irrelevant, and Dan Steinberg of the DC Sports Bog for giving us a place on their show. Hopefully we can come up with more content worthy of television broadcast. For those who missed it, check out the highly professional Blog Show.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Make It Hail, Joey

Pacman Jones finally learned his lesson. Nothing says "I is sorry" like a full page newspaper ad.

Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't accept that individual, one-step bullshit. What Pacman needs is a support group. Nothing makes one think they're not that bad as a group of allies.

Pacman, meet Joey Barton of Manchester City FC.

Barton was banned for the rest of the Premiership season by Man City for beating fellow City player Ousmane Dabo "into Elephant Man". He knocked Dabo unconscious and continued to beat him like Marvis Frazier.

You might think this penalty is a bit harsh or Goodell-like but this wasn't Barton's first offense.
2004: February - Sent off after half-time in an FA Cup tie at Tottenham with his team 3-0 down. City go on to win 4-3.

April - Stormed out of Eastlands before kick-off after being axed from the side to face Southampton.

July - Blasted by manager Kevin Keegan for causing a mass brawl in pre-season friendly at Doncaster.

December - Stubbed a lit cigar into the eye of young team-mate Jamie Tandy during club's Christmas party. Fined six weeks' wages by City. Forced to pay four weeks' salary - approximately £60,000 - immediately, with a further two weeks suspended for a year.

2005: May - Barton breaks leg of 35-year-old pedestrian while driving his car at 2am in Liverpool city centre.

July 22 - Involved in an altercation with a 15-year-old Everton fan at City's team hotel in Bangkok, where the team are playing in the FA Premier League Trophy.

July 27 - Fined eight weeks' wages by City after being found guilty of gross misconduct in the Bangkok incident. Accepts punishment and agrees to undertake a programme of rehabilitation.

2006: January 30 - Hands in a transfer request, which is instantly rejected by City.

September 30 - Drops his shorts in the direction of Everton fans following City's 1-1 draw at Goodison Park. Merseyside Police and the FA later confirm they are liaising in their investigation into the matter.

October 5 - Charged with improper conduct and/or bringing the game into disrepute by the Football Association.

October 9 - Admits charge.

October 10 - Fined £2,000 and warned as to his future conduct by the FA.

2007: February 21: Cleared of making obscene gestures towards Portsmouth fans due to insufficient evidence.

March 13: Arrested on suspicion of assault and criminal damage in an incident involving a taxi driver. Bailed until May pending further inquiries.

April 21: Barton says City fans are "not getting value for money" when watching the club at Eastlands and said the club had not signed quality players.

April 26: City opt not to punish Barton for his comments.

May 1: Barton suspended by City for the rest of the season after what is thought to be a training ground altercation with Ousmane Dabo.

Instead of pulling a Rae Carruth and hiding in his trunk, Barton is allegedly hiding out in the Algarve and probably searching for his next victim. Hopefully it's a certain Manchester United player who loves manbags.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. His brother is in jail for 17 years for a racist murder on the level of Emmitt Till and James Byrd Jr.


Photo courtesy of
Footballers Are Idiots.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Think The Nats Miss These Guys?

After watching the Washington Nationals get beat last night by a former farmhand, I wondered how many other players are out there and performing well that we got rid of for nothing in return when MLB gutted the less than beloved Montreal Expos. Turns out, it was a lot. My conclusion, Omar Minaya is a scumbag...and MLB should be ashamed they did this to the franchise. Oh how things coulda been different (good players we lost in bold).

March 12, 2002 - Traded Geoff Blum to the Houston Astros. Received Chris Truby.
March 23, 2002 - Traded Guillermo Mota and Wilkin Ruan to the Los Angeles Dodgers. Received Matt Herges and Jorge Nunez (minors).
March 24, 2002 - Traded Jason Bay and Jimmy Serrano to the New York Mets. Received Lou Collier.
May 16, 2002 - Traded Chris Truby to the Detroit Tigers. Received Jose Macias.
June 14, 2002 - Traded Bruce Chen to the Cincinnati Reds. Received Jim Brower.
June 27, 2002 - Traded Lee Stevens, Brandon Phillips, Cliff Lee, and Grady Sizemore to the Cleveland Indians. Received Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew.
July 11, 2002 - Traded a Donald Levinski, Graeme Lloyd, Mike Mordecai, Carl Pavano, and Justin Wayne to the Florida Marlins. Received Cliff Floyd, Wilton Guerrero, Claudio Vargas, and cash.
July 30, 2002 - Traded Cliff Floyd to the Boston Red Sox. Received Sun-Woo Kim and Seung Song (minors).
December 20, 2002 - Traded Matt Herges to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Received Chris Young and Jon Searles (minors).
October 27, 2003 - Vladimir Guerrero granted Free Agency.
December 15, 2003 - Traded Michael Barrett to the Oakland Athletics for Bret Price.
April 3, 2004 - Traded Chris Young and Josh McKinley (minors) to the Texas Rangers. Received Einar Diaz and Justin Echols (minors).
July 31, 2004 - Traded Orlando Cabrera to the Boston Red Sox. Received Brendan Harris, Alex Gonzalez, and Francis Beltran from the Chicago Cubs.
September 16, 2004 - Sent Alex Gonzalez to the San Diego Padres as part of a conditional deal.
November 19, 2004 - Traded Maicer Izturis and Juan Rivera to the Anaheim Angels. Received Jose Guillen.

Ok, well the last few are Jim Bowden's fault...but at least he's done more good than bad to the organization over the last few years, despite his love of "toolsy" outfielders and old, weak hitting, poor defensive infielders.

Nevertheless, I feel cheated.