Friday, March 30, 2007

Starbury: The Aldi of Shoes

Lebron James doesn't think much of Starbury's cheap-ass shoes.
Nike pitchman LeBron James credited Stephon Marbury for coming up with his discount Starbury line of shoes, but said he didn't think Nike would follow suit.

"I think me being with Nike, we hold our standards high, we do a great job putting out great merchandise," he said before the game. "Great shoes, that's part of a price that's pretty high, but at the same time you're getting great quality for it."
We make our Malaysian kids pump out 12 pairs an hour. Find a higher standard in the shoe industry. We dare you.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

You've Been Hit By A Smooth Pedophile

First the NBA All-Star game and now Michael Jackson. It's not clear how much more Las Vegas can take. Michael Jackson is in talks to build a 50 foot robot of himself to roam the desert around Las Vegas. The robot would shoot lasers beams which would be visible not only to people on the ground but also anyone flying into the city.

This robot must never be built. Anyone who believes this robot is for entertainment purposes is delusional. Think how far a 50 foot robot will be able to see. The lasers would target little boys like Tranzor Z and Michael would have his driver race him to their location and snatch them. He's already laid out his master plan.

Dan Snyder must be involved with this project. Lil' Dan Dan can invest in the robot and if it's successful, he can build a 100 foot robot of himself to roam Landover, MD and shoot lasers at Redskins fans who try to park in parking lots that aren't owned by him. Don't be surprised if the robot "mistakenly" destroys the Landover Metro station like the Chinese embassy in Belgrade.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Tomas Rosicky Taxes That Ass Like The Government

It's Saturday Night. Ain't a damn thing funny...Nobody knows how to celebrate a loss like Tomas Rosicky (Arsenal/Czech Republic).

Rosicky was caught along with four teammates in a hotel room with six hookers after a Euro 2008 qualifier loss to Germany on Saturday. The players claimed the hookers were autograph seekers. It's not at all ironic that they were nailed by a female journalist posing as an autograph seeker.

She knocked on the hotel room door which was answered by Jan Polak. Before being sent away, she saw the other players getting liquored and hugging the hookers.

She returned with a photographer which caused a player to yell,"Idiot! If someone took a picture of this, we'd be right in the shit!" Rosicky bent a hooker over the couch and yelled, "My best sincerity friend, I already am up in the shit! Get it?!".

OK, maybe he didn't say that, but the journalist didn't believe his excuse that he was dotting the "i" in Rosicky on a hooker's ass. Perhaps it was the fact that he was yelling "ramming speed!" at the same time.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

These Guys Know What They're Doing

Yahoo sports yesterday floated a rumor about these brilliant minds pictured above (Dan Snyder, Vinnie Cerrato and Joe Gibbs of the Washington Redskins) possibly trading up in this year's NFL draft to pick up LSU physical freak of a quarterback, JaMarcus Russell. Yahoo's Charles Robinson said,

The trade could involve Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell, the team's first-round pick in 2005, getting dealt to another team, or to the Raiders as part of a package to move up in the draft.

Also, the Redskins today traded Adam Archuleta to the Chicago Bears for a 6th round pick. This now must be the most expensive 6th round pick in league history since Archuleta's guaranteed money will still be on the books for this season.

So, the Redskins pay Adam Archuleta the most money ever for a safety and the next year trade him for a 6th round pick and currently are thinking about trading the QB they traded up to get in the first place to trade up to get another QB who will be even younger and more clueless about the offense thus leaving only broken down, 37 year old Mark Brunell at the QB helm for the upcoming season. Did I get that all right?

GENIUSES! These gentlemen know more about football than you do. Trust them. They're football men. Even though every instinct in your mind and body says that both these moves are the results of some horrible decision making on their part, you are wrong. You are stupid silly taint on the earth for questioning their obviously superior intellect. Go play your fantasy football and Madden you ignorant pussy.

The Game of Love and Unity Fanatical And/Or Mobster Homicide?

As we reported on Sunday, the Cricket World Cup took a turn for the depressing and macabre over the weekend. First, Pakistan lost in a shocking St. Patrick's upset to Ireland, which led some Pakistani fans -- outraged over their side's early departure from the tournament -- to riot while chanting "Death to Woolmer! Death to Inzi!," referring to Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer and captain Inzaman ul-Haq. Then the big news hit -- Bob Woolmer was found dead in his Jamaica hotel room on Sunday morning. Folks noted the sick coincidence of testosterone-fueled calls for Woolmer's death and his actual demise, but few publicly wished to speculate that there might be a connection.

Well, the time for speculation is now. Jamaica police are now treating Woolmer's death as suspicious -- and while the cops are publicly downplaying the idea that there's an ongoing homicide investigation, word is beginning to leak out -- it looks like Woolmer may well have been murdered.

If true, this is just jawdropping. Nothing like this has ever occured in American sport -- as obnoxious and obsessive as Red Sox fans are, no one tried to kill Grady Little after the 2003 ALCS. Joey Porter is an amateur, by comparison. But the scariest part is that -- while there is obviously speculation that a criminally insane Pak fan is responsible -- rumors are coming out that tie a possible Woolmer murder to match-fixing. After all, the Pakistan team does have a sordid history of involvement in gambling and match fixing, and Woolmer was allegedly set to discuss that underworld in a new autobiography. And there are rumors that the fix was in on the St. Patrick's Day match.

So Woolmer was quite possibly murdered. And if he was, the culprit is probably either A) an obsessed "fan," or -- more likely -- B) a gambling syndicate. I can't decide which is more depressing. If the police investigation reaveals that Woolmer was murdered, you really have to wonder whether the show can go on. But I'm sure it would-- there's too much money involved to call it off, despite the fact that it may well be tainted by fraud and, worse, by blood.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The NFL's Answer To Randy Newman

Joey Harrington and Michael Buble* could be making sweet music together in America Jr. if the Toronto Argonauts have their way. Imagine Michael on the vocals and Joey on the piano. Heaven.

The Agronauts have exclusive rights to Joey Harrington which means no other team in the CFL can sign him. The Miami Herald reports that there isn't much interest in Harrington among NFL teams so the CFL could become a serious option if he wants to continue playing football.

The Argos did the same when they retained Mr. Puff Puff Give's services a year ago. That would make Joey the third Dolphin to play after Ricky and John Avery.

*- I deserve a cockslap for linking to that video.

Sir Sidney Don't Need Your Respect

You ignorant cretins, bow before the magnificence that is Sir Sidney Alton Ponson of Aruba. Tremble before his 6.25 ERA. Fear his incurable case of the gout.

Sir Sidney has no time for fake ones...oh wait, turns out he's just maintaining his dickhead. It's all about keeping it real as long as that means knocking out judges and collecting DUIs like baseball cards.
"I don't want the [Baltimore] media to know nothing about what's going on with me. I don't like them," he said. "I didn't like the last two years over there, so I didn't talk to them the last two years over there."
What's going on with you? Probably the same thing that's been going on the past couple years. Nothing. You're a non-roster invitee who's more likely to pick up another DUI in Minnesota than post a sub-5.00 ERA on a major league squad.

Never mind the fact that he was generally appreciated by most Orioles fans including yours truly. We didn't like his last two years either so I guess that makes us even.
"They booed me when I was playing there. It doesn't bother me. Baltimore fans have no clue what baseball is all about," Ponson said. "The old Baltimore fans over on 33rd Street [Memorial Stadium], that's true baseball fans. "[The Camden Yards fans] were booing me the last two years. It doesn't matter. I could be pitching a good game and give up a run in the eighth and they would boo me. It doesn't hurt my feelings."
Hmmm, Sir Sidney was signed in 1993. The O's moved into Camden Yards in 1992. He couldn't find the old Memorial Stadium even if someone told him it was between 32nd and 34th...or that it's not there anymore. He knows what baseball's all about.

Isn't that the missing white girl everyone was so worried about a couple years ago? I wonder if there's still a reward.

Now I'm Not Sayin' He Should Have Killed Her But I Understand

Irina Malandina's only getting $300 million instead of $5 billion in her divorce settlement with Roman Abramovich. He may be worth $18 billion but that's still a huge chunk to give up in a divorce settlement. The Deuce isn't saying he should go all OJ on her but if she went out Chappaquiddick/Princess Di-style or had a bit of the polonium glow about her, we wouldn't be surprised.

The Fiver came up with a great plan to get back at Roman. She should take the settlement money and buy herself a soccer team. Then she should use the money to buy John Terry and Frank Lampard as well as entice Jose Mourinho.

This would be inexcusable. At the very least, he should sucker her back to Russia where he's a Siberian governor and do her like Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

Then again he could be like Michael Strahan and agree to a settlement that he has no intention of paying. So you gotta think about Michael's situation. $15.3 million up front, $18,000 a month, another man drivin' his car, fuckin' his wife, and a house he's still payin' a mortgage on. Oh, he's definitely breaking before Roman.

The Biggest Shock of Them All

Wow. The last 24 hours in the Caribbean has provided so much drama and surprise -- Ireland shocking Pakistan and knocking them out of the World Cup; the Young Turks of Bangladesh celebrating what seemed like their debutante party by shellacing a confused, old Indian side; Freddy Flintoff stealing a novelty boat, flipping it, and nearly drowning after a pedestrian loss to New Zealand -- and I was preparing to write up a smartass post summarizing this crazy cricket weekend. But then the biggest shock of them all broke this afternoon, when we learned that Bob Woolmer died in a Kingston hospital after he was found unconscious in his hotel room. And, as such things seem to do, that news put the rest of it all into perspective. It certainly should have caused some overzealous Pakistan fans to rethink their cruel, savage rage.

There's a tendency to speculate wildly at times like this, but it's really not appropriate. The best way that cricket fans can honor Woolmer's memory is to bow their heads, engage in a moment or two of reflection, and then get back to watching and enjoying the cricket. Because, as Laurence Booth at the Guardian writes, the cricket will go on. And that's the way that Woolmer, a true lover of the game, would have wanted it.

Tony Parker Est Le Merde

Tony Parker's hit #2 on the French pop charts with his new hotness, Balance Toi. Sports by Brooks has a link to the full video so no need for you to rely on snippets. Don't rush to thank us.

This got us thinking of other ballers who put out fresh tracks. Let's take a stroll through the wackness that is the NBA rapper.

If mumbling equals skills, I'm signing as many whinos and homeless people as I can to recording contracts. I'll be bigger than Simon Cowell and Bruce Springsteen combined.

Ah what can you say about a baller who goes by the name of Eight-Man Kobe-One-Kenobie? If you're thinking "stay away from my sister's ass", we're on the same page. Nothing says thug poet like crying on tv after getting nailed for rape and selling out Shaq for no reason.

What it do, playboy! Make it rain, Ron Ron. He's got beats like on his wife. You are indeed a Tru Warier. I hear you, balla. Fuck spelling.

If this isn't a flagrant, I don't know what is. This is a bigger disaster for New Orleans than Heath Schuler or Katrina...what? Too soon?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The St. Patrick's Day Massacre

Don't look now, but Pakistan was just bowled out for 132 after 45.4 overs. By Ireland. The same Ireland that tied Zimbabwe earlier in the week, and that scored 221 in doing so . Now, Pakistan's attack is undoubtedly superior to that of Zim, but is it so much better that they can prevent Eire from chasing 133 measly runs? I doubt it, but we shall see. If Ireland win this one, as they oshould, Pakistan is eliminated, and the Irish have to be considered favorites to advance to the Super 8s along with the Windies. All in all, things are looking up for the Cricketing Provos on their national holiday.

I didn't realize that St. Patrick held any special significance for the Muslims of Bangladesh, but they, too, are exceeding expectations thus far. The Banglas bowled out India for the third time in the ODI history between the two sides, leaving themselves a very chaseable target of 192. But it's worth noting that the first time Bangladesh bowled out India (for a much more difficult target of 277), they completely choked in the chase, posting just 76 before going all out in 27 overs.

So there's hope for India. Much less for Pakistan.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Tanking for Tsvangirai?

Unbelievable. Chasing Ireland's 221 this afternoon, Zimbabwe needed just 24 runs from the last 42 balls. They had 5 wickets in hand. They were cruising to victory. And then things fell apart, as they tend to do in Zimbabwe these days. Wicket after wicket fell, and dot ball after dot ball passed -- till the point where, with just one over left, Zimbabwe was left with but a single wicket, and still required 9 runs to win.

They got 8.

So we were lucky enough to witness a terrific climax, resulting in only the third draw in World Cup history. And yes, Zimbabwe choked in horrific fashion, but you have to deeply appreciate the superb effort of Stuart Matsikenyeri, who scored 73 runs off 76 balls, and who single-handedly seemed to will his team to eke out the draw.

We sincerely doubt that his teammates were tanking for Tsvangirai, but the Deuce does hope that the old, paranoid dictator -- who, in addition to his manifold human and civil rights violations, has wreaked havoc upon Zimbabwe cricket -- sees a bad omen in the Zimbabwean collape.

Bienvenu à Chez Valtrex

Salut, my name is Marcuse and I will be your waiter for the evening. I will tell you of our special today. It is the Cop au Herpes with a side of Le Stank Vert prepared by our chef Ronald Mexico.

Oooh. Sounds delish! What's your vin du jour?

Wine of the day.

Mmmm that sounds good. I'll have that.

And I'll have the '87 Orange Jubilee.

The Deuce is sure that Michael Vick's new restaurant The Tasting Room will receive rave reviews and three Michelin stars in no time. We can't wait until he starts his own reality show similar to Gordon Ramsay's F Word. Michael Vick's H Word. Instead of cooking for a full restaurant, he tries to see how many cases of herpes and hepatitis he can spread in 44 minutes through sex with minors and contaminated glassware.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Jose Mourinho Says Johnny Tapia Is A Lucky Filho Da Puta

Either that or he's ever-living like Mumm-Ra.

Johnny Tapia died and came back to life again. Yeah, that's right. Again. For the seventh time.

Seriously what the fuck? This guy has done everything to kill himself and still can't die. Maybe he sold his soul in order to continue his boxing career. It seems cool right now but you saw that knight at the end of the Last Crusade. Homeboy just wanted to die.

Maybe there can only be one.

Whatever he is, it may be time to call in the closer Boom Boom Mancini to finish this once and for all. No way a guy should get this many close calls.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Local NCAA Tournament Schools Graduation Rates

Richard Lapchick is back again with his annual downer before the college basketball tournament extravaganza...the NCAA Tournament teams graduation success rate. Lets take a look at the local teams:

Virginia: 85% of all Men's bball players graduated
Virginia Tech: 71%
VCU: 70%
George Washington: 70%
Georgetown: 64%
Old Dominion: 50%
Maryland: 18% OUCH...wait, WHAT?? 18%????

It appears as if our riotous neighbors in College Park have a bit of a problem graduating their players. Maybe they should stop burning books and start reading them? Maryland would have a 13% success rate if you weren't including players who transferred to other schools and received degrees, entered from junior colleges and/or who got a degree more than six years after enrolling at UMD. Just so you know how they got to these numbers, "[t]he Institute reviewed 1999 – 00 graduation (six-year) rates, with a four class average (freshman classes of 1996 – 97, 1997 – 98, 1998 – 99, and 1999 – 00)."

Gary, how about teaching a little bit more than just X's and O's to your kids huh? Perhaps they could learn important things that books tell you, like where Canada is and most importantly DO NOT go shooting guns around the White House!

Link: Actual PDF of all Schools in the NCAA Tournament and their graduation Rates

Here's Your Ticket - Hear the Drummers, Get Wicket: A Guide to the 2007 Cricket World Cup for Americans (Part I)


Well, the hype and the blather of the pundits are fading as the day of reckoning approaches. The prognostications are set in stone. All that remains are the games themselves – the third week March is here, and the tournament that we’ve been waiting for is finally set to begin.

We refer, of course, to the 2007 Cricket World Cup.

That’s right. There are hundreds of other places on the tubes that you can read endless “analysis” of the other tourney which begins this week, but the Deuce doesn’t follow. The Deuce leads. The Deuce leads with strength and honor. And the Deuce Promise is this: we will be the go-to source for smartass, underinformed, American blog analysis of the most important sporting event of the next two months. Because beginning tomorrow morning in Jamaica – with the inaugural match between host West Indies and Pakistan – and continuing through the final on April 28 in Barbados, around a billion inhabitants of this planet will be transfixed by the World Cup. How many people really give a flying fuck whether Davidson can break through to the Sweet Sixteen? A hundred million, at the most? Should we cater to 500 million passionate and well-educated Indians in the world’s most dynamic economy, or a relative handful of half-dumb pasty mortgage brokers in a decaying empire? Shit, man. The Deuce scoffs at the NCAA’s inferior demographic. Covering Oden and Durant instead of Murali and Ponting would be like focusing on NHL preseason during the pennant race. That’s a sucker move. That’s not the Deuce way.

The Basics

This may be underinformed American blog coverage, but we’re not going to walk you through the Rules of cricket or anything. That’s what Wikipedia is for. Suffice it to say that the Cricket World Cup is the quadrennial championship of international one-day, 50-over cricket. Watch an hour or two of a match and you’ll get at least a skeletal grasp of what’s going on.

The tournament will take place at grounds throughout the West Indies (or "Windies"). As such, there'll be a lot of drums and brass in the stands, which makes for a cool atmosphere, and almost makes up for the atrocious official song of the World Cup, "The Game of Love and Unity" -- performed by none other than Shaggy and a few others. Yes, Shaggy has entered his John Tesh Period.

Action begins on Tuesday, March 13 with 16 teams squaring off in a Group Play round-robin. There are four teams to a Group, and each team will play the other three teams in its group once. The top two teams from each group advance to a “Super 8” round-robin. Each of the Super 8 teams will play each other once, and the top four advance to single-elimination semis, culminating in the final at the end of April. So there’s plenty of time for even the most inbred Tony Stewart fan to figure out the difference between a bouncer and a yorker.

Where to Watch

This is the tricky bit. Sure, you could just follow the results here and on Cricinfo (Cricinfo is the essential cricket portal -- imagine if it didn’t completely blow goats), but the reason we watch sports is to, well, watch sports. Unfortunately, the geniuses at the International Cricket Council have decided that the best way to promote the sport in the US is to make every single game available exclusively on pay-per-view -- the better to wring money out of the fanatical South Asian devotees in Silicon Valley. And, in a Seligian move, the PPV is only available on DirectTV and Dish Network. Sorry, NYC desis. So, if you have a dish you can buy the entire tournament for $200; if you don’t have a dish, you can A) shell out $200 to watch the games online at, which, while expensive, does provide you with top-quality streaming, match replays on demand, and excellent interactive highlights; B) try and find a reliable stream on Sopcast or another PTP service, or; C) find a bar that’s showing the matches on TV. In NYC, there’s the Aussie expat bar Eight Mile Creek, in addition to what I’m sure are dozens of Indian joints. Here in DC, there’s Solly’s Tavern at 11th and U, which will be showing all of the games – tape delayed starts at 4 PM on weekdays and live on the weekends. Elsewhere? I dunno. I don’t live elsewhere. If you’ve got a hot tip, leave it in the comments.

Overview of the Teams

Like that other tournament on CBS, the World Cup is divided into haves and have-nots. And the have-nots are, for the most part, a lot more like hopeless, doomed 16 seeds than plucky 12 seeds. Essentially, the cricket world consists of the 10 “test nations” – the countries that play the game at its highest level – and the “associates,” who play well enough to get into the World Cup, but generally are staffed with amateurs. The cricket press refers to the associates (plus less competent test nations Bangladesh and Zimbabwe) as “minnows,” but we figure that our readership might better understand the relative strengths of the teams if we divided them into three categories, each represented by a Chicago Bears quarterback.

The Orton Group

These teams will be lucky to win a single match – they stink, but they know they stink, and they’re in the Windies to have fun. And thus, they're likable. Sort of like Kyle Orton in Miami for the Super Bowl. Plus, many of them are drunk and overweight – just like Orton.

Before we breeze through these most krill-like of minnows, a word about the US Cricket team. Imagine if you put the Spartacists, the Episcopal Church hierarchy, or any other absurdly clique-riven group of self-important, self-interested dipshits in charge of a body charged with growing a minor sport in a country that scarcely recognizes the sport's existence. That'd be the USA Cricket Association, and that'd be why the US isn't in the Windies.

Canada has the misfortune of being in Group C, which means that not only does it have to endure slaughter at the hands of test nations New Zealand and England, but it also has to play Kenya, probably the best of the Associate sides. The hosers are unlikely to improve on their o-fer at the 2003 World Cup. Scotland is generally considered to be a more adept team than the Canadians, but I really haven't the faintest idea if this is true. They're in Group A with behemoths Australia and South Africa, and can't even be favored to beat their fellow Associates from the Netherlands, who boast what is almost certainly a better bowling attack. Bermuda may be the worst team in the tourney, but they possess something more valuable than the talent to win: Dwayne "Sluggo" Leverock, a surprisingly effective left-arm spin bowler who weighs about three bills and who will be a hero to all of you after you see him play.

Bow down before Sluggo

The Griese Group

This group is comprised of the five countries that may well win a game, and could even win two and break through to the Super 8s, but are unlikely to do much once there. Not entirely unlike the serviceable, workmanlike, decidedly mediocre Brian Griese.

There are three Associates and two test nations in the Griese group. Let's begin with the Associates, each of whom are definite up-and-comers in the cricket world, sort of like Griese when he was leading Michigan to Big Ten glory. The Netherlands are likely the weakest of this bunch, but they gave South Africa a scare in a warm-up match last week, and all-rounder Ryan ten Doeschate is one of the best, if not the best, player hailing from a non-test nation. They'll have to make do with beating Canada, as even ten Doeschate won't be able to overcome Australia and South Africa. Ireland have been staking a claim to a spot in the test world, but having lost star Ed Joyce to England (the ICC allows a lot more country-switching than Sepp and the boys at FIFA) will hamper their ability to progress too far in Group D. Still, a victory over Zimbabwe isn't out of the question, and West Indies looked shockingly vulnerable in warmups last week. Kenya are the big boys of Associate cricket, coming to the Caribbean fresh of a victory in the World League of Cricket (the Associates' championship). In 2003, they shocked the world by advancing to the semis. The world is ready for them this time, but it's not impossible that they'll escape from Group B -- Canada is a pushover, and England can lose to anyone on any given day. Legend Steve Tikolo will have to carry a heavy load.

Zimbabwe is a test-playing nation, but hasn't played a test in some time. Riven by political dissension that saw almost all of its top-flight players quit international cricket -- both in protest of the Mugabe regime and in protest of Zimbabwe Cricket's lackadaisical approach toward paying its employees -- the country is left with a relatively inexperienced bunch. They easily could lose all of their games, including to Ireland. It would be a sad commentary on the fall of a team that had so much promise just five or six years ago. Elton Chigumbura is, by all accounts, an excellent young all-rounder, but the inexperience and bad karma surrounding Mugabe's men is likely to prevent them from accomplishing much at all in the Windies.

Bangladesh have the misfortune of sharing a group with India and Sri Lanka, both of whom mean business, and neither of whom show any sign of losing before the Super 8's. But Mashrafe Mortaza is a punishing fast bowler, one who can force even the savviest batsman into a fatal error. And the rest of the Bangla attack isn't that shabby, either. The problem will be scoring runs -- and against SL and India, that's a fatal problem.

All right, that's it for Part I of the preview. Part II will cover the Grossman Group -- the eight nations that, while flawed, all have incredible talent and sex appeal, and who could win it all if they keep it in their pants and just manage to focus. Watch Windies-Pakistan on Tuesday.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

TO Don't Know Football

This story should come as no surprise. T.O.'s not even smart enough to kill himself properly so how the hell is he going to learn a NFL offensive playbook?

T.O. can't read his playbook. In fact, the Cowboys excused him from learning a portion of the playbook during training camp last season because he was having problems grasping it.
Within the organization, T.O.'s lack of familiarity with the playbook wasn't a secret. Players knew. Coaches knew. Front-office personnel knew. After all, Romo and others had to tell him the plays during practice, on occasion, so it surprised few when he wasn't sure what to do during games.
Tony Romo had to tell him the plays during the Cowboys playoff loss to the Seahawks because he had no clue what he was doing. He falls asleep in meetings and leaves his playbook in his locker at night...Holy shit, T.O.'s illiterate. At least Dexter Manley was able to do his job well even if he couldn't read Ricky Raccoon or the USA Today.

What other explanation could there be? He yells at quarterbacks when they don't throw him the ball so it'll look like it's their fault. Never mind the fact that he also drops every other ball thrown his way when he does run the right route.

The meeting between T.O. and the coaches about this must have been like a very special episode of Blossom.

Parcells: Terrell, we know you don't know the plays and we also think you can't read.
T.O.: Whoa!

Radio won't have to worry this upcoming reason. The playbook under Wade Phillips will consist of every takeout menu in Irving. Eat fresh, Dallas.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

OJ and Evander To Open Detective Agency

Opening still available for white helicopter pilot who is comfortable wearing neckerchiefs and mesh shirts while maintaining his heterosexuality. Inquiries:

While the search for Nicole's killer is a long-term project, the search to find out who set up Evander is a much shorter undertaking. Evander has decided to take it on himself to find out who linked his name with Applied Pharmacy in Alabama. Applied Pharmacy is part of a larger investigation into an internet steroid distribution ring.
“While I'm fairly certain I know how my name came up, I don't want to say anything more until I have all the facts, which I hope is just a matter of a few weeks,” Holyfield said in a statement. “At that time I'll release everything I know, no holds barred, and will be more than happy to respond to questions.”
Evander intends to conduct an inquiry to get all the facts so that means we'll have a bit of detective work combined with a Congressional-style hearing. The hearing should be fanfuckintastic if it mirrors the Sports Illustrated investigation.
...A patient by the name of "Evan Fields" caught investigators' attention. "Fields" shares the same birth date as Holyfield -- Oct. 19, 1962. The listed address for "Fields" was 794 Evander, Fairfield, Ga. 30213. Holyfield has a very similar address. When we called the phone number that, according to the documents, was associated with the "Fields" prescription, Holyfield answered.
We can't wait until he calls himself as a witness.

Evander: Please state yo' name for the record.
Evander: Evanda...I mean, wait, no Evanda...hol' up...Evan Fields.
Evander: When were you born?
Evander: October 19, 1962
Evander: That's when I was born too!
Evander: What's your address?
Evander: 794 Evander, Fairfield, Ga. 30213.
Evander: That's mah address too! I knew I seen you before! I seen you when I wake up and go to tha bafroom!"

Hopefully Evander will call a press conference to announce his findings.

"After lookin' into stuff and things, I found out that I didn't do nuthin'. Evan Fields proves that Evanda Holyfield is innocent. Now if you'll excuse me, I gots to go back to training myself for more brain damage...Waffles please."

There's Some Hoes In This House

Dave Meggett: We make sacred pact. I promise teach hooker pickup to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions.

Richie Anderson: Bet.

The only thing that would make that exchange better would be You're The Best Around playing in the background.

Richie Anderson executed the equivalent of the crane kick on Thursday when he was arrested for solicitation after attempting to court an undercover police officer with a jar full of laundry quarters.

Ken Wisenhunt already has to be wondering whether taking the Arizona job was the right move. The first hint might have been the stadium named after a university that only exists online like Tron.

I guess the cop wasn't who Richie thought she was. Crown his dumb ass.

Eat Your Heart Out, David Seaman

Local. Late breaking. Here's your goal of last week.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Potential Disaster For UEFA

The leadup to today's Champions League draw was filled with suspense and intrigue as fans tried to figure out which English teams would be matched up with each other. Would it be Manchester United vs. Liverpool or Chelsea vs. Liverpool?

Wha? Neither? Chelsea arguably have the toughest task ahead of them as they face Valencia while Liverpool already have their tickets to the semis after being handed PSV who advanced thanks to Gooner incompetence. Bayern vs. AC Milan should be an interesting match with both teams hitting their strides late in the season while Manchester United should have the edge against Roma.

Quel dommage! One can imagine the nervousness at UEFA headquarters when today's draw for the quarterfinals resulted in no all-English matchups. There will definitely be heart palpitations if the final turns out to be an all-English affair. UEFA may have what they want if Man U loses to Roma. Chelsea could meet Liverpool in the semis which would happen if both sides win their respective fixtures. If all three sides win, we're almost guaranteed an all-English final in Athens.

They'll have to lock down all antiquities if Liverpool makes the final. However the sales of gyros will go through the roof and pay off the Athens Olympics. Hopefully the halftime show will involve Yanni, Nick Markakis and dancing souvlaki.

Click on the graphic for more details.

Graphic: Courtesy of our European connection American Scouser

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Your Inflight Movie: My Giant in 3-D

S.M.O.O.T. (I Thought It Was Me)

Yo, I love being the bachelor
Ricky said, yo that girl's a good catch for you
She and I choose to cruise in our sex boat
My water bed kept us afloat
I had to prove my manhood
Show her that the Sm-Double O-T was damn good, understood
I never had my boat rocked like that before, yo

Welcome back Fred Smoot. There's an open space by Sequoia for the Sex Boat.

P.S. The Skins also signed London Fletcher but let Derrick Dockery go to the Bills and released kicker John Hall. They may be in for Dre' Bly but they'll probably overpay for Terrell Buckley and still give up their first round draft pick to the Broncos because a chimp could out-GM...wait, out-VP for Football Operations Vinny Cerrato.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Titus Bramble's Roaster

Talk about game. Jesus Shuttlesworth ain't got shit on Titus Bramble. How he hasn't repped at the Players Ball is beyond us. The brotha is smoother than Peabo Bryson.

Only three short years ago, he was arrested for allegedly roasting a girl with seven other people and now he's mixed up with another rape case. Police interrogated the Newcastle defender (and we use the term defender quite loosely) after a woman claimed she was raped at his house while another person watched.
“A couple of girls were really flirting and dancing all round them and making it clear they were up for a party.”
Meet the new face of the Kenny Rogers Roasters ad campaign. Stay classy, Titus.

Champions League Round of 16 Roundup: Chelsea Makes Arsenal Its Bitch Again

No, you take it.
But I don't want it.
No, no I insist please.
Are you sure?
Oui, oui please. We don't want it.
Ok if you insist...Stupid frogs.

First Chelsea beat nine-man Arsenal in the Carling Cup final a week and a half ago and then Alex, who plays for PSV but is owned by Chelsea, gives Arsenal a goal only to come back and score the winner to knock them out of the Champions League. Oh and Thierry Henry is going the way of Barbaro. Not selling him last year was genius.

One could start comparing Arsenal to the 1991 UNLV team that lost to Duke. There have been countless matches this season where Arsenal have clearly been the dominant team and done everything it had to except score. Don't be surprised if you see pictures of Fiberglass, Little Mozart, Hleb and Adebayor smoking cigars in a pool with Brick Top or some other gangsters. You'll think it's a hot tub but you'll be wrong. It'll be Freddie Ljungberg making bubbles while sucking off some sheikh from the UAE. Keep it Cameldome.

Roy Maakay scored the fastest goal in Champions League history (11 seconds into the first half) and helped knock Real Madrid out on away goals. Capello's fucked and rightly so.

Man U beat Lille 1-0 on a Henrik Larsson goal to go through to the next round while Kaka and AC Milan saved Ireland from a national crisis of conscience by seeing to it that Celtic won't meet Liverpool in the quarterfinals.

In Tuesday's action, Chelsea beat Porto 2-1 to go through on a Michael Ballack goal. Yeah we can't believe ze German woke up either.

Liverpool managed to hold on despite a goal from the blonde Maradona and bounce last year's winners Barcelona.

Roma knocked Lyon out with a 2-0 result. A fucking amazing goal by Mancini. Lyon better get used to disappointment with Gerard Houllier in the house. If they think they're bummed now, wait until Emile Heskey shows up at their door. It's no damn good when a player has a song which goes "If Heskey can play for England, so can I".

Valencia ended Inter's Champions League dream and my CL pool. Fuck you very much. The highlight of this round had to be the fight at the end of the match which was fruitier than a Father MC video (Check the guy on the left at 4:25 and 4:34 - The Deuce loves you).

Here it is in its glory.

Everyone Knows It's Windies

On Monday, Mephistopheles linked to a fascinating Simon Wilde article in the Times making a powerful argument for electing to bat second when winning the toss in an ODI:

If past results in the Caribbean are anything to go by, it is going to be a chaser’s World Cup. The formula looks simple: win the toss, put in the opposition, hope the white ball swings in the early overs after the 9.30am start, and then bat second, when conditions are at their friendliest and the task is known.

Batting first is rarely easy when logic says you should make a big score, and the small grounds of the West Indies do look invitingly small. But how much is a big score? In such circumstances, it is not difficult to overreach, and a hoped-for 300 for five becomes a scrappy 250 for nine. Figures show 57% of all one-day internationals are won by the team batting second, and the figure is higher in matches in the West Indies.

It's remarkable how ripe cricket is for a sabermetric revolution. If, after two decades of ODIs, the data unequivocally shows that the team chasing a total is significantly more likely to win than the team that bats first, why do so many captains choose to bat after winning the toss? Because it looks like the pitch is going to deteriorate? Because they're unaware that chasing is statistically the smart move? Because they think that they're smarter than the numbers? I'm not saying that captains should blindly choose to field every time -- but the fact that they choose to bat first well over 40% of the time, despite the odds strongly favoring the team batting second, tells us that there's a market for Bill James to hire himself out as a consultant to the various cricket boards. I can envision the desi Theo Epstein now . . .

Anyway, this is all a longwinded way of getting to my original point, which is that Wilde -- while dead on about the statistical bias in favor of chasing -- is wrong when he says that the bias is stronger in the Windies. I crunched the numbers, and in the 144 ODIs played in the Windies that resulted in a winning team, the chasing team won 57.64% of the time. The numbers hold as true in the Windies as anywhere, which tells us something about how constant they are, and about how only a foolish captain would ignore them.

(I can't get the table to format correctly-- you can check out a Google spreadsheet detailing my research here.)

Sunday, March 4, 2007

The Harder They Come

He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble, Jake Plummer is there. Jake Plumm-er! A real American hero.

After years of blowing holes in Mike Shanahan's coaching reputation like a M18 Claymore, The Snake has thrown in the towel and retired from the NFL.
First, I want to thank my family and close friends for their loyal support all these fun-filled, roller-coaster years, Plummer said. Second, I owe all of my greatest achievements in football to the men who stood by my side as my teammates and coaches. Football has been awesome to me in many ways. I leave the game with my health and happiness, and look forward to the future; I've got many rivers to cross.
Wandering I am lost. What are his greatest achievements in football? I really wish someone would fill me in because I'm at a complete loss.

Selfish fuck. How dare he rob Tampa of such powerful facial hair?

He never gives up. He's always there. Fighting for freedom over land and air.
"Yes, that's it," Marilyn Plummer, Jake's mother, told The Denver Post when asked Friday if her son had retired. "I thought this would happen from the moment the season ended. He needs a break, but I foresee him doing something else. He's a lot like Pat Tillman. Pat would do something unexpected. Jake used to say, 'I wonder what Pat would have done next.' Jake is a lot like Pat. He has that same rebel soul."
Yes, that's it. Pat Tillman rebelled to go fight al-Qaeda while The Snake rebelled because he didn't want to go to Tampa. It's a shit city but at least it's warm and the strip clubs are on point. Mama Snake would probably call Eric Crouch a rebel.

I bet The Snake's planning to oil himself up and drop into Darfur like Rambo to single-handedly kill President Bashir and every member of the Janjaweed. That's what Pat Tillman would have done next if his own guys didn't kill him and cover it up. Then again he quoted Jimmy Cliff so that means he's probably dressing up like
Dude Love, snapping hits from the bong and gassing up the VW van to drive to Burning Man and Bonnaroo.